Breath

I have been doing breathing meditation since the summer of 2014.  

This entry marked 10 years of doing breathing meditation. It is quite a journey to re-centered/to move inward, to heal my past trauma, to live in peace, and to gain meaning in life.

Why did I start it?

2014 was an extremely stressful year for me.

I tried to finish the MSW program by working at a practicum site to gain all the required hours.  I  started a part-time Vietnamese case manager job two blocks from home.  I worked at Pike Market Dropping Center during the weekend.  My anxiety was high. I already had insomnia and migraine that started a long time ago. On top of that, I was in deep depression grieving my mother who passed away in 2011. I found myself crying here and there without any reason. 

My plate was overwhelmingly full. Forget about taking care of my children. Forget about about cooking food for the family. I felt exhausted constantly but could not sleep well because of thinking of all the papers I had to turn in on time.

All the jobs at that time were social work-related, eventually contributing to this current job so I kept myself going. I almost quit the MSW program but Nguyen, my husband encouraged me to go on.  Tirelessly and patiently, he took care of the children and dragged me up to the finish line one day at a time.

Without him, I could not make it.

One day I felt a sharp pain deep inside my chest. The pain grew heavier, more intense enough to get my attention. I went to see the family Dr to check it out. 

I hate to go to Dr . I hate all the wait. I rarely go to see my PCP. But the idea of having the stroke had overcome the hate.  

I remember the laid-back Dr who wore a colorful Hawaii shirt, examined me for a while, and said, 

"I do not see anything wrong with you physically".

"Are you stressed?" I nodded. "Maybe... I think so". I admitted. 

"Please go home and do the breathing. You know, take it easy and breathe. No medicine is needed for now."

I was happy getting out of the doctor's office. I felt proud that I managed to see him. I appreciated that he did not prescribe medication. He gave me the most precious piece of advice that a good Dr could give to a patient: breathing.  

Breathing without doing anything was hard

My first attempt to sit and breathe happened on a weekend morning. I sat down on the carpet inside my bedroom and asked Banh Xeo, my 13-year-old daughter to sit with me. I told her to do 100 breathing in and out with me.

She said yes. I closed my eyes and started breathing. In the middle of it, I felt that she silently sneaking away from the room. I continued to do it alone not remembering how many counts I had done. 

I did not understand the implication behind the breathing meditation but my gut told me that breathing meditation would be good for me.  

This was fatally hard. I thought I rather die than do this. Again, the fear of having a stroke overcomes the fear of death. 

 I was extremely busy. Suddenly I had to stop everything, sit down, and breathe. Breathing alone did not make sense to me. Slow down was the no-no. However, the chest pain was scary. I did not want to have a stroke that may result in half alive half dead.  

As an artist, I could never sit still. If I did not have back-to-back projects lined up, I would experience anxiety. If I need to relax, I have to do something such as art and sewing activities. These hands-on activities calm me down not sitting meditation. 

There is an expression "Fake it until you make it".

 I blindly sat and kept counting in and out breathing when I had time.

Slowly I started to get a hand out of sit meditation. I could sit still for 10 then 20 then 30 minutes of breathing in and out at least a few days per week. 

My mind was much calmer. The thoughts inside my head were less monkey chit-chat. It is clearer with clarity. The anxiety was reducing along with each breath. I feel more peaceful inside as I am more centered and much more pleased with myself. As a result, I could behave much better with others.

Anger was still an important feeling but much less furious. I found it easier to channel anger into something more productive, such as laughing and art-making.

My sleep is getting better and deeper. Dreams come more often with deep sleep. I remember more meaningful dreams over time. 

I started to read books that related to breathing meditation. I found Thich Nhat Hanh's books and was informed that breathing meditation could help with childhood trauma.

During COVID, things at work and home were equally stressful and unbearable as both college-aged children were home. The small apartment was so crowded with four adults. Breathing meditation became a must to avoid family conflict. 

I told myself that I would do breathing at least 2 times per day. I tricked my mind so I could do at least every day which was helpful.

Breathwork

That was late February 2023. A night before I went to visit my daughter in Hawaii, I watched a podcast from CEO Diary while the host interviewed someone regarding self-care.

 Both mentioned, “ breathwork.”

Curiously, I clicked "breathwork” and found so many clips. 

I tried. The sensation of practicing breathwork was amazing. My heart and my mind opened up to something pure and fresh. I remember feeling emotional and crying. My heart suddenly connected to the endless universe at that moment. Space and time disappeared at once. It happened in a very short period but I could remember clearly. 

When I was in Hawaii, I introduced breakwork to my daughter. 

Back in 2014, she sneaked away from mediation but this time she joined me wholeheartedly. She did breathwork with me for the next 10 days I was with her. She reported a good result as her mind was more relaxed and her body was less tense.

Breathwork made sense to her.

Since March 2023 up to date, I have been doing breathwork daily at least 1 or 2 times and gradually can prolong up to 1:30 hrs without difficulty.

Breathwork is great because I can treat it as physical exercise. There are a variety of ways how to breathe. Besides,  interesting music and beats are added that make breathing practice more tolerable.

The most important thing was breathwork offer is holding a breath.  It was hard at first but the more I did the longer time I could hold my breath.

Up to 2 minutes is a typical practice from every clip on YouTube.

I was surprised by what my body could do. I always tell people that if we do not breathe in three minutes we will die. 

Hahaha, I take it back. 

Holding my breath helps me to concentrate in the most relaxing condition. I would feel my muscles tense on my jaw, mouth, shoulder /fingers/toes, or especially muscles inside my abdomen and release all tension. I become more subtle to pay attention to the pain in each body part and release it.

The 4-minute hold is achieved mostly when I am in bed or after at least one hour of breathing or staying absolutely still ( which is very hard).

Teachers:

Breathing with Sandy is my favorite channel because of his voice/ different styles with different lengths of time practice. 

Besides Sandy clips, I also use Take a Deep Breath with much less cue instruction and less music background. I use it at night while lying down on the bed and wide myself down to sleep. 

Another one is Hands-on meditation channel offers a 4-minute hold at the end of one clip. Sometimes I could do it if I concentrate and stay focused enough.

Yesterday YouTube added another good one called Breathwork Beats to my attention. These clips are much longer than the other two. Uniquely adding beats and different music backgrounds specialized in fire breath and alkaline which I like very much.

 I found a book called Breath by James Nestor to learn more about breathing. The book informed slow down breathing could allow our body time to process air and get oxygen vital for life. 

On the other hand, Wim Hoff is an internationally famous teacher for introducing a simple version of Breath of Fire to people. His personal story is inspirational. Breath of fire is the style of breathing rapidly opposite of slow breathing but offers the same benefits to breathing practitioners.

Aloha is a Hawaiian way for people to say hi to each other. Ha is breath is Hawaii language. 

Aloha is sharing a breath! 

Breath is living. Breathing is the meaning of life. Breathing without stress. Breathing my fear of having a stroke away. Breathing my anxiety, migraine, and insomnia away. Breathing with confidence.  Breathing with grace. Breathing with peace. Breathing with clarity. Breathing with joy. Breathing to connect inward so we can connect outward. Breathing with self so we won't feel alone with others. 

 How simple. It took me a long decade to understand.