Helicopter parents : The cousin from Denver

 Nguyen has many cousins. I have met quite a few of them.

One cousin we met last month came from Denver.  I met him once 27 years ago when he came over to our apartment in Northridge, LA. He came with his wife and a young child, the same age as my son. 

Arrived in the US almost at the same time as me; he is financially successful, as he has worked hard seven days per week for the last 27 years.

Even working hard, ironically, he and his wife divorced 14 years ago due to financial problems.

He had to move out of his wife’s family house. He rents a small room. He shares with others and continues to work. He would work harder after his divorce to pay off the business debt, and because he had nothing else to do.

He works as a jeweler or goldsmith, as his specialty is working with gold and diamonds to create fine jewelry. He is skillful and gradually became senior staff in his company. Per him, he learned to make jewelry back in Hue, Vietnam. With over 30 years of experience, he is marketable and wanted.

This time he came to Seattle to try out for another Vietnamese- run-  company in Tacoma. 

We met at my place, awkwardly in conversation that made everyone uncomfortable because we had not seen each other for such a long time.

He and my husband are not sociable, and they did not have much to say to each other. My husband has two interesting things in his life: cars and his children's swimming.

The cousin's interest is his job and how to put diamond into a ring without breaking the diamond. He said, if you break the diamond twice in a year, you would be let go. He would never break the diamond. So he is one of the few staff who could do this task. 

To spend a whole sunday together politely and stay as far away from being awkward as possible,  we ended up talking about Vietnam, Hue, family past, and of course the family trauma as well.

This cousin is the oldest grandson in Nguyen‘s maternal family.

I will call him Mr. Denver.  

Mr. Denver‘s father is the oldest son of Nguyen's grandfather. Nguyen called him Cau Tam. 

I shared three stories below.

First story: A wife who left the family 

Before 1975, Cau Tam joined the South Army, moved up to his ranking until he got injured in the battle field that left his left ear impaired.  As a result, he resigned from the South Army before 1975. 

His wife was Mo Yen. She was a charm. She was an extraordinarily beautiful lady from the South. They met when Cau Tam’s station was based in My Tho, down South. Mo Yen followed her husband to Hue. Together, they had six children. Then, after 1975, things changed as the old regime collapsed on April 30. 

Cau Tam did not have a job. He moved his family to Sai Gon to live with Nguyen’s family. Mo Yen had to get out of the house to hustle for money. She sold coffee. With 6 small children, ranging from 6 years old to 1 month old, Cau Tam and Mo Yen would have a difficult time taking care of the whole family. She was out of the house more often and finally fell romantically for a coach driver from the South and left her husband with the 6 children behind. 

Cau Tam turned mad, hopelessly looking for his wife. 

My mother- in -law shared that every trip he went down South to look for his wife, she sent 5-year-old little Nguyen to go with Cau Tam. Mother said doing so to calm Cau Tam, so he would take care of little Nguyen and would not think about committing suicide. 

Mo Yen left and did not come back. In despair,  Cau Tam brought the whole family back to Hue. 

Nguyen’s grandmother told me,” He [ cau Tam] got home. He told me that if I did not take care of his 6 children, he would poison him and all the children. He did not have any choices.”

 

 Nguyen’s grandmother added,” When he said so, I did not have any choice; I had to take on caring for all of them.” 

Mr. Denver is the oldest child in the family. He would have witnessed everything that happened. 

He would had yelled/screamed and insulted when adults got mad at each other in the family. They would call his mother’s name as slut and whore. 

His father did not do anything much. He was totally financially dependent on his parents ( Nguyen’s grandparents)  and later on, his younger sister ( Nguyen’s mother), who was already in the US and sent money monthly to help out.

Second story: Why Nguyen’s maternal grandpa decided to become a monk

Nguyen’s grandfather became a monk when he was 35 years old. 

Nguyen’s grandfather owned a workshop to make coffins. He himself was a skillful carpenter. When his mother passed away, Nguyen's grandfather was sad and depressed for a long time. 

Nguyen’s mother told me that he felt guilty about earning money by making coffins, so he stopped and became a monk. 

Mr. Denver told me a different story.

Nguyen’s grandfather had one younger brother, On Van, who went to the North and became a high-ranking communist in the North. During the French resistance period, On Van got recruited by Vietminh and became a spy. He secretly came out at night to kill French soldiers, Mr. Denver recalled. 

When On Van left the South to the North, the South police arrested Nguyen’s Grandfather. They tortured him by hanging him upside down to interrogate his younger brother’s whereabouts. 

Mr. Denver said, "Luckily, Grandfather had another brother who was in a high-ranking position in the South. That brother was in the Navy. Thanks to that brother bailing him out, Grandfather was free".

After the torture, Grandfather was traumatized. He decided to give up his life as a shop owner and as a carpenter who made coffins. He gave three houses all up to his wife, Grandma, to take care of. He became a monk with the hope that both political forces would leave him alone.

The Navy brother escaped the country in 1975 when the Communists took over and moved to the US. He lived in Virginia. When he passed away, Mr. Denver went to the funeral.

As this author shared in a previous entry, On Van came back to the South and became a chief of the Communist police. He helped Nguyen’s family to get an exit visa that allowed the family to leave Vietnam to the US. 

Nguyen’s grandfather became a monk at 35 years old until he passed away of 90 years old.

As devout Buddhist, Nguyen’s mother often sent money back to Vietnam, asking Grandfather to distribute it to the Buddhist Temple around Hue. 

Mr. Denver shared, “ Every time we received the money from Aunt Hoa ( Nguyen’s mother ), we had to distribute the money to 36 temples. I was the oldest child at that time. I had to ride on a motorbike carrying my grandfather on the back. We drove to each Temple to donate the money. The trip would take few days to complete. I witnessed monks and nuns not doing much inside the temple except receiving the money. It was nonsensical. I know that my aunt worked hard in the US. She should have to save money for her children, for herself instead of continuing to send money back like this.”

Mr. Denver added, “ I realized that my grandfather practiced Buddhism not the right way or all wrong. He woke up at 3 AM in the morning to do his chanting. Each chanting would last 2 hr.  When he chanted with the ringing bell, I could not sleep. I was tired. After two hours, I could not go back to sleep because I had to get ready for school.”

 “ When I had gone away, I would never want to go back to my childhood house. It was just so sad to relive.”

“ As a teenager, I had read all of the Buddhist books I found from the bookshelf at home. I knew Buddhism firsthand. I did not agree with my grandfather's practice of Buddhism."

“ I would never want to visit a Vietnamese Temple /pagoda. I would never want to give them money. I work hard. I  save. I spend my money frugally. It does not make sense to spend your hard work earning to useless people at the temple.” 

Third story: Grandmother is mean 

Per Mr. Denver, “ My grandfather was difficult but I think my grandmother was more difficult. Grandmother had to take care of everyone when Grandfather decided to become a monk.” 

“ One stopped working; another one had to become a hustler. She let people borrow money and collected high interest in return.”

She took control of her daughter’s life and made the decision of who married whom. 

The first daughter, Di Hong, got slapped on the face on her wedding day because she did things that Grandmother did not like.

Grandmother forced her youngest daughter, Di Hao, to marry a man who lived in the Temple as an orphan, chu Loi. During the student movement protest against the old regime government, he was shot in the leg and became disabled. Not sure why Grandmother let her youngest daughter marry a disabled man.

Mr. Denver explained, "Chu Loi knew how to talk sweet to my grandparents.”

Obviously, the marriage was not a happy one. Chu Loi has become an alcoholic who is drinking every night. Di Hao stayed silent. She moved to stay with a daughter and granddaughter in Sai Gon. She sucked it all in and did not say a word.

Mr. Denver said, " my grandmother was so difficult. I wonder why my mother left the family for another man.” “ When my mother had to live with a mean mother- in-law and had no support from her husband, of course she would leave. She would run away from that life, ” “ 6 small children would not be enough for her to stay, I guess.” Mr. Denver concluded his stories with a gentle smile on his face. I could see Cau Tam’s similar face and smile.

Gentle, quiet, surrender with no emotion.

As for me, this author, I recalled Nguyen‘s grandmother was a tough lady. She drank French whiskey and smoked handmade tobacco leaves rolled with thin white rice paper.

Alone.

Smoking was her therapeutic activity when she did not have to hustle to take care of over 20 people in the family. 

When she worked, she managed the family business. She made small eggplants fermented with small fish to sell. She would never have believed in a banking system with paper bank notes. She collected gold and buried all of it in a secret well behind the backyard.

Turned out she was right about not trusting the bank, as after 1975, the newly communist government changed its banknotes at least 2 times. People who held cash would lose all their money. Gold stayed solidly with its intrinsic value. That's how she took care of her family of 20 and overcame the difficult time after 1975.

 Faithfully, she would get up at 3 AM in the morning to chant along with her monk husband, day and night until he passed away. She would prepare her own coffin and save up money so, “After I die, I have money for my own funeral. I would not be a burden."  

“ Grandmother survived her beloved daughter, Nguyen’s mother, who passed away in 2005. Grandmother received the urn of her daughter’s remains from Nguyen’s father and stayed absolutely quiet when Nguyen’s father said, “ I bring your daughter back and return her to you.” 

Grandmother withdrew to her room and stayed there for a long time. Not crying. Not saying a word. She held the funeral for her daughter with grace and toughness. 

Besides trauma and a sad past, Mr. Denver has a promisingly cheerful story when he mentioned his first/ex and (maybe) only wife. 

I started to date my wife when we were in high school. My father and her father knew each other when both were in the Army.

 She and her family left for the US. I waited for her for 10 years. She came back to marry me and then sponsored me to the US with her.

We were successful. We bought a house. We bought a license for her traveling business.  I did not take care of the business because I trusted her. She messed it all up. And her family blamed me. I could not stand her family; I had to move out and divorce my wife. 

Besides the money problem, I do not think we have any problems. We still co- parent the children. We still talk to each other.

Last time when I moved to Houston to work, I proposed buying a house and invited her to move in. She said Houston is too hot. She would rather stay in Denver. That's why I came back to Denver. Yes, Houston is too hot. 

She lives with her aging mother now. 

Mr. Denver’s eyes lit up with joy when reminded of his(ex) wife. 

My heart squeezed with warm thoughts.

They may get back together in the future after she has done her " filial piety" business with her family.

I told Nguyen. He nodded.  

Yes. I think so too.

Helicopter parent (IV)

        Last 2025 Thanksgiving, Nguyen’s family came together to spend the holiday at the big Airbnb house in Lake Tahoe. 

We started the project to interview Nguyen’s father about how the family came to the US.

The question was quite simple: how did we come to the US?” 

The answer would be quite simple: “through the ODP program.” 

Since we asked the father in detail, unexpected things emerged. 

The family left the Vietnam on Air France on 04 /08/1983. 

This was a story I was told.

The flight went to Bangkok. The whole family and others stayed in the refugee camp to process and then flew to Seattle. After Seattle, they flew down to LA. The family continues to live in LA to the present day. 

Nguyen’s mother recalled the time in Bangkok at the refugee camp with a laugh. They were served white rice at each meal. Nguyen‘s mother had not seen such a good quality of white rice like that for a long time. So she saved the leftover rice for the next meal. She was surprised that the next meal, they continued to serve them the same good rice. Since that day on, she realized that she did not have to save the old rice anymore. 

Nguyen’s father recalled his relieved feeling when the Air France flew over Sai Gon last time. After 8 years living in hell in Vietnam, this time they left Vietnam on the airplane. He felt like in paradise sitting on the plane with his family. He said, “ We did not have to escape like in the past. We got served grapes on the board. We went out of Vietnam legally.”

We asked how Nguyen’s father decided to leave Vietnam. And how did he get the paper done? 

His story led us back to 1967. He got introduced or recruited by his friend to work with the Americans during this time as an informant. He said the program he got recruited for was called “chuong trinh Binh Dinh”.

Based on Google, it called Pacification in the Vietnam War was a US-South Vietnamese strategy aimed at securing rural areas and winning "hearts and minds" to bolster the South Vietnamese government (GVN) against the Viet Cong (VC). Per Nguyen’s father, he worked for the program from 1967 to 1971. 

The program received money and resources from the US to improve life of villagers in rural areas as well as to protect people from the Viet Cong influence. 

Nguyen’s father told me that he got the intel to move out of Hue before the Tet Offensive operation. He moved to Sai Gon during that time. 

Nguyen’s mother was in Hue and witness Vietcong come over the city to kill people that they believed were informants, like Nguyen’s father. 

In 1971, Nguyen’s father got married and changed his job to work at the bank Nam Do Ngan hang.

Then he got a visa to go to Australia to study. I was not very sure that he was studying for. 

Google AI overview offered me valuable information that in 1974, there was the very first, and a few students were rewarded for studying abroad in Australia. 

Nguyen’s mother told me students had to take an exam to qualify for the scholarship. During the written exam, Nguyen’s father copied the material of the person next to him. Nguyen’s father passed the required exam and got a scholarship. The student who let him copy did not get the scholarship. When mentioned, Nguyen’s father did not say anything. He quietly shook his head when his wife said it to me.

The trip to Australia was cut short because of the Fall of Sai Gon. Nguyen’s father came back to stay with the family. 

During 6 months in Australia, Nguyen’s father met an English Professor named Marian Webb. She taught English. 

Nguyen’s father said that the most important person in his life, as well as for the whole family because she would verify that Nguyen’s father worked for the US. 

On the day Sai Gon Fall 04/30/1975, Nguyen’s parents carried little Nguyen to the US embassy with the hope of escaping the country. With the paper verifying that Nguyen’s father worked for the US, he was allowed to get inside. However, Nguyen’s mother and Nguyen were lost outside the gate. Nguyen’s father came back to find his wife and son. They could not get back in and ended up going back home. Nguyen’s mother was 4 months pregnant with a second child. 

In 1980, after at least three attempts to escape without success, Nguyen’s parents focused on geting visa and the sponsor throught ODP program to legally get out of Vietnam. The OPD program started in 1979 as the Orderly Departure Program that allowed Vietnamese people who used to work for the US before 1975 and had relatives in the US to leave the country legally. 

All of the paperwork proved that Nguyen’s father worked for the US since 1976-1971 was destroyed with fear that the new regimes would know and either arrest or kill Nguyen’s father. 

Nguyen’s father wrote a letter to Professor Marian Web asking her to verify that he used to work for the US. He mailed the letter to the address in Australia. Professor Marian Webb already moved away. The post office kindy forward the letter to the UK, where Professor Web lived at that time. 

She wrote a formal letter to Nguyen’s father for verification. 

Since Nguyen’s uncle Tue, ( I will call him as Cau Tue from nw on) stayed in the US as an international student in 1973. After 1975, he asked to stay back in the US. 

Nguyen’s family wrote a letter asking Cau Tue to verify as a family member to speed up the process so the whole family could go to the US sooner. 

Per Nguyen’s father, “ Uncle Tue delayed sending the sponsor paper back. Cau Tue would wait for two years to agree to sponsor Nguyen’s family over.

Nguyen’s father tends to get angry when recalling this story to me repeatedly. 

“ If he sent his verification letter soon, the whole family would have come to the US in 1981, not 1983.” 

Nguyen’s mother shared,” Cau Tue was afraid that he had to take care of the whole family of 6. What if I died, then he would have the burden of taking care of my four children.” 

The day of the interview to get the US visa was in May 1981.

Since the US embassy was closed after 1975, they set up the temporary bungalow as their office in Thu Duc.

The US officer who interviewed the family was named Thomas. He spoke influentially in Vietnamese. After 5 minutes of questioning, he approved the visa. They knew that Nguyen’s father was an informant. 

Nguyen remembered the first time seeing a flush toilet when Mr. Thomas came out of the restroom. Nguyen was waiting in the waiting room. Little Nguyen's eyes lit up with curiosity, seeing how clean the rest room was.

After they got the US visa, they could not go rightaway because Cau Tue did not sign the paper until 1983.

At that time, Cau Tue got a job in Alaska and made good money. But he was single and gambling his money away. He did not have family, and he was sad. His friend advised him to come back to LA.

Nguyen recalled, “ My mother wrote a letter to Cau Tue threatening to commit suicide if Cau Tue continued to deny signing the paperwork to support the family. The paperwork was meant to be a formality. Cau Tue would never be financially responsible for us because we got the help from the government, and my mother got to work right away .”

 “ He did not help with airplane tickets either. The family borrowed $ 5000 from the ODP programs. After arriving in the US, they paid back $20 each month for the next 10 years.”

Nguyen‘s mother told me that when the neighborhood got the news that Nguyen’s family would leave the country for the US, the whole neighborhood was thrilled. They cheered them up. They came over to bring good food for the family to celebrate. 

Both Nguyen’s parents always shared a good story about how the whole family went to the US. 

When asked how the family got the Vietnamese government to approve the exit visa to get out of Vietnam, Nguyen‘s father said that they got the exit visa through the exchange program between the UN and Vietnam. The UN asked to let people who need to leave, and in exchange, they would give funding to rebuild the country after the war.

During the 80s, it was very difficult to get the exist visa since Vietnam government / they would not allow its citizens to get out of the country that easily.

One of Nguyen's sisters asked why. Why let people leave when you cannot take care of your own people? 

Google AI gave the answer as in 1983, obtaining an exit visa from Vietnam was extremely difficult due to the communist government's strict control over movement, financial extortion, political control, tagerting minority and professionals, and the fear of defection.

Nguyen’s version of how to get the exit visa: 

The family went to the US under the ODP program. The family was qualified as Nguyen’s father had a history of working for the US before 1975, and Cau Tue was a relative who signed the sponsorship. Without him, the family could not go. 

The third important person who helped to get an exit visa was On Van, Nguyen’s maternal Great-Uncle. 

Nguyen‘s material grand father ( On Ngoai) had a younger brother, On Van, who came to the North during the time Vietnam was divided into two at the 17th parallel. 

On Van ( like my own parents and a lot of people from the South) was sent to the North, and as a result, they had become Communists. 

When On Van was in the North, he married a Northener and had two children. Gradually, he moved up his rank to become an important figure in the North. I knew he was important because he sent his daughter, Di Ha, to East Germany to study very early in 1972.

The same situation that happened to my Uncle Hai. Uncle Hai was my father’s brother -in-law. When he was in Ha Noi, he arranged for my mother to marry my father ( I shared this story in several entries in Vietnamese ).

Like On Van, Uncle Hai sent his oldest son to Russia to study before 1975. Uncle Hai died in 1974. My mother always said that if Uncle Hai were still alive, we would not be that poor. 

I thought, yes, Uncle Hai would live in a big house with a tall gate like On Van’s house after 1975. 

I shared the story to prove that even though Vietnam was split into different ideologies, every family would share the same story. Eventually, family would help family, no matter what the differences were.

On Van was powerful. He was Dai Ta (equivalent to Connel in the US military), who was in charge of the intelligence police. I was told that he was one of the people to round up South officers from the old regime to send them to re-educational camps. 

Because he was a family member of Nguyen’s mother, no one dared to touch Nguyen’s mother's family after 1975. Or they just leave them alone so they would not get trouble later with the high-ranking police “ the Connel”.

On Van used his powerful position to help his family and relatives, according to Nguyen’s mother’s recall. 

Nguyen’s oldest aunt, Di Hong’s husband, Bac Cong, who used to work with the Americans as an interpreter, was supposed to be sent to 3 years in the re-educational camp. 

 

Because of On Van’s intervention, Bac Cong went for less than a year in the camp. 

Nguyen said that his mother always had a verification letter from On Van to prove, " this is my niece," in her pocket. This letter was more important than her ID. I guess. Just in case whatever happened, she would use the letter to bail her out of trouble. 

Per Nguyen, On Van helped the family to obtain an exit visa. 

That fact did not settle down with Nguyen’s father's story. 

Nguyen‘s father was upset and explained to me in the 80’s On Van was in the North, and he did not have any authority to help with the exit visa from the South. 

The fourth son of Nguyen’s family was born 1 week before the whole family‘s departure to the US. 

Nguyen’s grandmother and di Hong asked Nguyen’s mother to leave the baby in Vietnam. Nguyen‘s mother said no. She said,” The whole family will go together. If we were forced to stay back, the whole family would stay. I would not leave my baby here without his mother.” 

Thanks to On Van, the baby was added to Nguyen’s mother‘s passport after three weeks. 

Nguyen’s youngest brother left Vietnam when he was 1 month old. 

After the whole family settled down in Pacoima, LA, Cau Tue went back to LA and stayed with the family until he got married and moved out. 

Nguyen and Cau Tue were close. 

However, Cau Tue and Nguyen’s father did not like each other. As Nguyen‘s father always reminded everyone, cau Tue delayed the sponsorship for two years and let the family stay back for an extra 2 years.

Cau Tue always said what others said about Nguyen’s father,” he is useless. His life is perfect. He did not have to do anything.” 

Cau Tue passed away in 2024. He was survived by his wife and two adult children. His son was 9 months older than my son. After Cau Tue passed, his son joined the military after he got a master's in chemistry at UC LA. 

Like I  said in my previous entry, Nguyen’s mother's sacrifice was silent, unspeakable, invisible, painful, and resilient until the day she passed away in 2005. 

She was always behind the scenes. She always gave credit to her husband. 

She would never talk about herself and how she helped. 

We now know that she did more than I could share here to facilitate so the whole family could leave. 

Her sacrifice was profoundly important that would reserve another entry to share. 

Helicopter parent ( III)

 Nguyen’s father was born to a single, powerful, wealthy mother. Nguyen’s father is named Thien.

For this entry, I will call him Mr. Thien.

Before Mr. Thien was born, his mother (I will refer to her as Nguyen’s Ba Noi from now on)  had married and had one son. Both her husband and son were killed by the Viet Minh, as Mr. Thien recalled.

Nguyen’s Ba noi did not remarry. She had become a concubine of a high-ranking official in Hue. As a result, Mr. Thien was born as an illegitimate son. 

Nguyen’s Ba Noi was rich on her own right as she was one of the first nurses in Vietnam to graduate from a French-speaking school in Ha Noi. Later, she held an important position in Hoi An Port. I was not sure that she did, but I was told she would make sure the quality of imported and exported food was checked/stamped through Hoi An port, like custom officer nowadays. 

I was told that people would select the best food to gift to her so she would allow goods in and out of Hoi An port smoothly. 

Mr’s Thien's mother made a lot of money. She was the oldest sister in the family. After her father passed away, she stepped up to take care of her younger siblings, nephews, and nieces. 

Nguyen‘s mother recalled that Ba Noi housed and fed the whole family, but she was not nice. She was mean and rude. She would verbally and physically abuse her nieces and nephews as she wanted. The one person she cared for and loved was her only son, Mr. Thien. Actually, Mr. Thien's middle name is Duy (meaning only one in English )

All of her nieces and nephews, who were cared for by her, would grow up being successful. Mr. Thien recalled. Most of them moved abroad, became lawyers and doctors.

However, none of them came back to visit Nguyen’s Ba Noi, for they hated and resented her, Nguyen’s mother shared.

One time, Nguyen and I went to visit Uncle Phuoc in France. He was one nephews who was cared for by Ba Noi. 

The first thing he would say to Nguyen was not “ Ba Noi raised and cared for me.”

But “your Ba Noi was very mean. She hit me all the time.” 

Uncle Phuoc recalled that Mr.Thien, was spoiled with Ba Noi‘s money, good food, and servants. “When Mr. Thien went to school, he was carried on a golden carriage pulled by a servant. Because I was a nephew, I would have walked on foot behind. Sometimes I sneaked and sat on the back of a carriage hitch a ride along.” 

Nguyen’s mother said Mr. Thien was handsome and rich. He got his first Vespa in Hue that Nguyen Ba Noi ordered from Italy. The servant would peel the skin of a grape before feeding it to him.

Mr. Thien got the money from Ba Noi. He did not have to study much. He did not have to work. 

Mr. Thien told me that Ba Noi sent him to Ha Noi to study. He did not do so but travelled everywhere in Ha Noi and up to the North. He did not have a career either skill. He did not have to. 

If Ba Noi did not give him money, he would throw a tantrum and smash things around. Mr. Thien gently told me that if my children are mad and yell at me, it is fair. I did it to my mother before, too.” 

Mr. Thien’s life was lighthearted. He never had anxiety, responsilibity or worry.

He married Nguyen’s mother when he was 40 years old. 

When Nguyen was born, Nguyen was cared for by 2 servants. Neither parent had to take care of the baby until after both ran out of money after 1975. 

Everyone in Nguyen’s maternal side of the family shared the same remark to me, " Mr. Thien's life was perfect. He did not have to do anything. His mother gave him money. His wife cared for him. He just eats and enjoys his life.” 

Nguyen’s mother agreed, "Mr. Thien never had to endure difficulty in his life. He was not subtle. He was handsome but verbally uncharming. He did not have to pay attention to anything or anyone. He cared for himself. He did not bother others if there was no need. When he talked, he did not care to censor his thoughts and always said whatever inside his mind. A lot of people would hate him for that. But most of all, they were jealous of his wealth, his carefree attitude, and his happy life.” 

Mr. Thien is proud of his roots and royal background, despite being an illegitimate son. He said, “ All of my half-siblings and cousins grown up to be very successful.” At the same time, he disliked Nguyen’s mother’s side as “ All of my wife's side were peasants and not educated.”

“If my children are successful, it is because of my family‘s DNA being passed on.” 

As an illegitimate son, Mr. Thien was looked down by people. But they would be scared of Nguyen’s Ba Noi, no one dared to do anything. 

As an only son, Mr. Thien was lonely. He was untouchable by Ba Noi's protection, and at the same time, people would quietly stay away from him. He had no real friends. As a result, his social skills were limited and uncensored. “ But Mr. Thien was not a bad person. He was calm. He never gets mad or angry. He was an honest person”, Nguyen’s mother always said that. 

Out of hate and jealousy, people would say mean things to Mr. Thien, “ you do nothing. You are useless. Your children grown up would be gangsters and prostitutes.” 

One thing I observed was that Mr. Thien did not care much what people would say to him. He never said a word. He never reacted. He kept quiet and continued to enjoy his life. 

He told me one, ” Be born rich and live a happy life is my faith. I cannot do anything about it.”

Nguyen, Mr Thien’s first son, grew up with such a father whom no one liked. He often had to endure unkind sayings toward his father from his uncles all the time,” Your father is useless. Your father is unemployed. Your father did not have to do anything. Your Ba Noi is mean and stingy.” 

Nguyen said, “A lot of times I think the adults beat me because they are jealous and hate my father.” 

The whole family expected Nguyen to be a failure because he had a father like this. 

First time Nguyen took me to Hue to introduce me as his girlfriend, his On Ngoai 

(material grandfather ) smiled and said, “ I thought you would be a gangster in the US long time ago.” 

His Grand Uncle said to me, “ Please do not trust him.” 

I did not understand why they said such a mean thing to Nguyen back then. Later on, I would understand all impolite, unpleasant, and bad statements rooted in the negative attitude toward Mr. Thien.

 

Whatever the adults did to each other, they carelessly vented out to Mr. Thien's first son. They would verbally and physically abuse Nguyen when he was a little boy. Consequently, it impacted him for a long time. The boy kept hate and anger inside his heart for such a long time and did not know why. 

Historically, the dynamics within Nguyen's family were complicated. Additionally, the families would suffer through the war, witness the Communists take over the South, be dislocated and uprooted from place to place over time, and experience chaos and turmoil from within.

Throughout the storms and hurricanes of life, Nguyen’s mother was the one who managed to hold things together, whether she was in Vietnam or in the US.

Nguyen’s mother was the one who kept Nguyen’s heart loved and soft enough, so he would grow up staying out of trouble and become a decent human being, Nguyen told me. 

She stepped up as the strongest daughter to save her beloved family. Her sacrifice was silent, unnoticed, invisible, painful, and resilient, lasting until she passed away in 2005.

She told me that she was disappointed with Mr. Thien and Nguyen’s Ba Noi after she married into this rich family. She thought that if she married into a wealthy family, her life would be happy and better. In reality, things went unpredictably ugly so fast after 1975.

She was forced to hustle on the street to take care of the family. Ba Noi would never give money. She would never ask for Ba Noi’s money.

Living with Ba Noi in the same house hold as living in Hell. Ba Noi was malicious toward people that she did not like, mostly toward the daughter -in-law. 

Every night, Ba Noi would stand in front of the door, look up at the sky, burn incense, and pray out loud for Nguyen’s mother to die. 

Nguyen’s mother explained to me that later on, she did not hate Ba Noi anymore.

She would understand that Ba Noi was never loved. Ba Noi was lonely. Ba Noi became extremely mean and rude to others, especially to her only daughter-in-law, who took her only son away from her. 

That was the reason why Nguyen’s mother treated me nicely and kindly, because she would never want her daughter-in-law to have the same experience as she did.

After Nguyen’s family moved to the US, Nguyen’s mother started to work in the nails shop and sent money back to Vietnam to help out her parents, Uncle Tam's family

(Every month, she would send money to Uncle Tam because he was a single father with 6 children at that time ), both sisters and their families and more. 

Nguyen said, "my mother sent money to shut her family up from saying bad things about my father. The hate for my father ended up sucking my mother‘s energy and compassion until she passed away.” “They accused my father of not doing anything and being unemployed. And yet, they kept asking for more money. They routinely sent letters to my mother every month. My mother kept giving until she died.”

Nguyen's Ba Noi refused to go to the US with the family. She said,” I have a lot of money to spend until I die. I do not need to go.” 

After the family moved to the US in 1983, Ba Noi changed her mind; she asked to be sponsored to the US.

Mr Thien said, “ Nope. Too late.” Ba Noi stayed back in Vietnam, again, all alone. 

Ba Noi had money but was listening to others who sweet-talked to her. She let others borrow or invest her money and got scammed. Eventually, she lost all her money. 

Nguyen’s mother had to send Ba Noi to live in a  Buddhist Temple called Gia Lam. Nguyen's mother faithfully sent money monthly to care for Ba Noi until she passed away when she was 90 years old. 

The day Ba Noi passed away alone in the temple was the time Nguyen’s mother went back to Vietnam to visit her family in Hue. Nguyen's mother attended the funeral at the Gia Lam Buddhist Temple. 

The funeral was painfully lonely. There were two people that family related to Ba Noi at this funeral. One was Ba Noi's long-distance nephew, and another one was Nguyen's mother.

Life is a full circle that gave me goose bump recalled this event. 

Nguyen’s mother told me that her faith connected her to Nguyen’s Ba Noi until the end of Ba Noi's life. The person that Ba Noi hated the most ended up being the one who cared for her and said goodbye to her at her funeral.

Nguyen's mother converted hate into love and compassion throughout her relationship with Ba Noi.

The day Mr.Thien’s mother died, I remember Mr. Thien took me to see the Vietnamese dentist at the office. The receptionist, Ms. Nga, knew the whole family back in Vietnam. Mr. Thien calmly announced to Ms. Nga, “ My mother just passed away in Vietnam.”

Ms. Nga sent her condolences and asked,” Do you have to do anything for the funeral?”

Mr Thien said,” Nope. My wife is in Vietnam right now. She takes care of everything. I do not have to worry.” 

The day Nguyen’s mother went back to LA, she brought a picture of Ba Noi home so she could put it up on the altar. She arranged a small table with food offerings, flowers, and incense so Mr. Thien could pray and made a last bow to Ba Noi.

After we set up everything, Nguyen’s mother called upstairs, “ Mr. Thien, please go down to pray for your mother.” 

Mr. Thien came down, appeared shirtless, and wore his casual short pants. 

Nguyen‘s mother got mad. She yelled in her extremely soft but sharp voice,” Mr. Thien, can you go back up and wore appropriated outfit so you can pray for your mother one last time.” “ Treat this event as if you were attending your mother’s funeral, please.” 

 Mr. Thien‘s face looked annoyed, lightly furrowed his brows. Yet he followed his wife’s instruction. He came back up and wore a suit and pants.

Nguyen’s mother stayed gentle and quiet. She was disappointed but put up with Mr. Thien. She calmly made sure Mr. Thien did everything right so she would burn the funeral white clothes for everyone in the family.  She could make sure that she had done her duty to her mother-in-law until the end with her grace and tenderness. 

Looking back, after marrying Mr. Thien, Nguyen’s mother unintentionally acted like a helicopter parent to Mr. Thien. Even though she never wanted to do it, she stepped up and did it for 34 years of living with Mr. Thien.

Turned out that Nguyen’s mother never took the son away from Ba Noi. She replaced Ba Noi to continue to parent Ba Noi’s son to the end of her life. 

That's called Faith. 

Today is 20 years since Nguyen’s mother's passing in 2005.

This entry is for her. 

I did write the same story in Vietnamese a long time ago.

Yet, today I do my best to record this in English for Nguyen and his siblings, for my children, and her 4 younger grandchildren, whom she never had a chance to know.

Things that did not kill you would make you stronger. Despite all difficulties, four of her children survived and grew strong into successful individuals. Six of her grandchildren are doing the same. Nguyen's mother's spirit is strong, continuing to support this family throughout time and space. 

As her daughter-in-law, it is such an honor to be married to this family. Her beautiful image, kindness, and love will be in my heart forever. 

Life is difficult and challenging, but beautiful things unfold all the time if we know how to search for.