Helicopter parent ( III)

 Nguyen’s father was born to a single, powerful, wealthy mother. Nguyen’s father is named Thien.

For this entry, I will call him Mr. Thien.

Before Mr. Thien was born, his mother (I will refer to her as Nguyen’s Ba Noi from now on)  had married and had one son. Both her husband and son were killed by the Viet Minh, as Mr. Thien recalled.

Nguyen’s Ba noi did not remarry. She had become a concubine of a high-ranking official in Hue. As a result, Mr. Thien was born as an illegitimate son. 

Nguyen’s Ba Noi was rich on her own right as she was one of the first nurses in Vietnam to graduate from a French-speaking school in Ha Noi. Later, she held an important position in Hoi An Port. I was not sure that she did, but I was told she would make sure the quality of imported and exported food was checked/stamped through Hoi An port, like custom officer nowadays. 

I was told that people would select the best food to gift to her so she would allow goods in and out of Hoi An port smoothly. 

Mr’s Thien's mother made a lot of money. She was the oldest sister in the family. After her father passed away, she stepped up to take care of her younger siblings, nephews, and nieces. 

Nguyen‘s mother recalled that Ba Noi housed and fed the whole family, but she was not nice. She was mean and rude. She would verbally and physically abuse her nieces and nephews as she wanted. The one person she cared for and loved was her only son, Mr. Thien. Actually, Mr. Thien's middle name is Duy (meaning only one in English )

All of her nieces and nephews, who were cared for by her, would grow up being successful. Mr. Thien recalled. Most of them moved abroad, became lawyers and doctors.

However, none of them came back to visit Nguyen’s Ba Noi, for they hated and resented her, Nguyen’s mother shared.

One time, Nguyen and I went to visit Uncle Phuoc in France. He was one nephews who was cared for by Ba Noi. 

The first thing he would say to Nguyen was not “ Ba Noi raised and cared for me.”

But “your Ba Noi was very mean. She hit me all the time.” 

Uncle Phuoc recalled that Mr.Thien, was spoiled with Ba Noi‘s money, good food, and servants. “When Mr. Thien went to school, he was carried on a golden carriage pulled by a servant. Because I was a nephew, I would have walked on foot behind. Sometimes I sneaked and sat on the back of a carriage hitch a ride along.” 

Nguyen’s mother said Mr. Thien was handsome and rich. He got his first Vespa in Hue that Nguyen Ba Noi ordered from Italy. The servant would peel the skin of a grape before feeding it to him.

Mr. Thien got the money from Ba Noi. He did not have to study much. He did not have to work. 

Mr. Thien told me that Ba Noi sent him to Ha Noi to study. He did not do so but travelled everywhere in Ha Noi and up to the North. He did not have a career either skill. He did not have to. 

If Ba Noi did not give him money, he would throw a tantrum and smash things around. Mr. Thien gently told me that if my children are mad and yell at me, it is fair. I did it to my mother before, too.” 

Mr. Thien’s life was lighthearted. He never had anxiety, responsilibity or worry.

He married Nguyen’s mother when he was 40 years old. 

When Nguyen was born, Nguyen was cared for by 2 servants. Neither parent had to take care of the baby until after both ran out of money after 1975. 

Everyone in Nguyen’s maternal side of the family shared the same remark to me, " Mr. Thien's life was perfect. He did not have to do anything. His mother gave him money. His wife cared for him. He just eats and enjoys his life.” 

Nguyen’s mother agreed, "Mr. Thien never had to endure difficulty in his life. He was not subtle. He was handsome but verbally uncharming. He did not have to pay attention to anything or anyone. He cared for himself. He did not bother others if there was no need. When he talked, he did not care to censor his thoughts and always said whatever inside his mind. A lot of people would hate him for that. But most of all, they were jealous of his wealth, his carefree attitude, and his happy life.” 

Mr. Thien is proud of his roots and royal background, despite being an illegitimate son. He said, “ All of my half-siblings and cousins grown up to be very successful.” At the same time, he disliked Nguyen’s mother’s side as “ All of my wife's side were peasants and not educated.”

“If my children are successful, it is because of my family‘s DNA being passed on.” 

As an illegitimate son, Mr. Thien was looked down by people. But they would be scared of Nguyen’s Ba Noi, no one dared to do anything. 

As an only son, Mr. Thien was lonely. He was untouchable by Ba Noi's protection, and at the same time, people would quietly stay away from him. He had no real friends. As a result, his social skills were limited and uncensored. “ But Mr. Thien was not a bad person. He was calm. He never gets mad or angry. He was an honest person”, Nguyen’s mother always said that. 

Out of hate and jealousy, people would say mean things to Mr. Thien, “ you do nothing. You are useless. Your children grown up would be gangsters and prostitutes.” 

One thing I observed was that Mr. Thien did not care much what people would say to him. He never said a word. He never reacted. He kept quiet and continued to enjoy his life. 

He told me one, ” Be born rich and live a happy life is my faith. I cannot do anything about it.”

Nguyen, Mr Thien’s first son, grew up with such a father whom no one liked. He often had to endure unkind sayings toward his father from his uncles all the time,” Your father is useless. Your father is unemployed. Your father did not have to do anything. Your Ba Noi is mean and stingy.” 

Nguyen said, “A lot of times I think the adults beat me because they are jealous and hate my father.” 

The whole family expected Nguyen to be a failure because he had a father like this. 

First time Nguyen took me to Hue to introduce me as his girlfriend, his On Ngoai 

(material grandfather ) smiled and said, “ I thought you would be a gangster in the US long time ago.” 

His Grand Uncle said to me, “ Please do not trust him.” 

I did not understand why they said such a mean thing to Nguyen back then. Later on, I would understand all impolite, unpleasant, and bad statements rooted in the negative attitude toward Mr. Thien.

 

Whatever the adults did to each other, they carelessly vented out to Mr. Thien's first son. They would verbally and physically abuse Nguyen when he was a little boy. Consequently, it impacted him for a long time. The boy kept hate and anger inside his heart for such a long time and did not know why. 

Historically, the dynamics within Nguyen's family were complicated. Additionally, the families would suffer through the war, witness the Communists take over the South, be dislocated and uprooted from place to place over time, and experience chaos and turmoil from within.

Throughout the storms and hurricanes of life, Nguyen’s mother was the one who managed to hold things together, whether she was in Vietnam or in the US.

Nguyen’s mother was the one who kept Nguyen’s heart loved and soft enough, so he would grow up staying out of trouble and become a decent human being, Nguyen told me. 

She stepped up as the strongest daughter to save her beloved family. Her sacrifice was silent, unnoticed, invisible, painful, and resilient, lasting until she passed away in 2005.

She told me that she was disappointed with Mr. Thien and Nguyen’s Ba Noi after she married into this rich family. She thought that if she married into a wealthy family, her life would be happy and better. In reality, things went unpredictably ugly so fast after 1975.

She was forced to hustle on the street to take care of the family. Ba Noi would never give money. She would never ask for Ba Noi’s money.

Living with Ba Noi in the same house hold as living in Hell. Ba Noi was malicious toward people that she did not like, mostly toward the daughter -in-law. 

Every night, Ba Noi would stand in front of the door, look up at the sky, burn incense, and pray out loud for Nguyen’s mother to die. 

Nguyen’s mother explained to me that later on, she did not hate Ba Noi anymore.

She would understand that Ba Noi was never loved. Ba Noi was lonely. Ba Noi became extremely mean and rude to others, especially to her only daughter-in-law, who took her only son away from her. 

That was the reason why Nguyen’s mother treated me nicely and kindly, because she would never want her daughter-in-law to have the same experience as she did.

After Nguyen’s family moved to the US, Nguyen’s mother started to work in the nails shop and sent money back to Vietnam to help out her parents, Uncle Tam's family

(Every month, she would send money to Uncle Tam because he was a single father with 6 children at that time ), both sisters and their families and more. 

Nguyen said, "my mother sent money to shut her family up from saying bad things about my father. The hate for my father ended up sucking my mother‘s energy and compassion until she passed away.” “They accused my father of not doing anything and being unemployed. And yet, they kept asking for more money. They routinely sent letters to my mother every month. My mother kept giving until she died.”

Nguyen's Ba Noi refused to go to the US with the family. She said,” I have a lot of money to spend until I die. I do not need to go.” 

After the family moved to the US in 1983, Ba Noi changed her mind; she asked to be sponsored to the US.

Mr Thien said, “ Nope. Too late.” Ba Noi stayed back in Vietnam, again, all alone. 

Ba Noi had money but was listening to others who sweet-talked to her. She let others borrow or invest her money and got scammed. Eventually, she lost all her money. 

Nguyen’s mother had to send Ba Noi to live in a  Buddhist Temple called Gia Lam. Nguyen's mother faithfully sent money monthly to care for Ba Noi until she passed away when she was 90 years old. 

The day Ba Noi passed away alone in the temple was the time Nguyen’s mother went back to Vietnam to visit her family in Hue. Nguyen's mother attended the funeral at the Gia Lam Buddhist Temple. 

The funeral was painfully lonely. There were two people that family related to Ba Noi at this funeral. One was Ba Noi's long-distance nephew, and another one was Nguyen's mother.

Life is a full circle that gave me goose bump recalled this event. 

Nguyen’s mother told me that her faith connected her to Nguyen’s Ba Noi until the end of Ba Noi's life. The person that Ba Noi hated the most ended up being the one who cared for her and said goodbye to her at her funeral.

Nguyen's mother converted hate into love and compassion throughout her relationship with Ba Noi.

The day Mr.Thien’s mother died, I remember Mr. Thien took me to see the Vietnamese dentist at the office. The receptionist, Ms. Nga, knew the whole family back in Vietnam. Mr. Thien calmly announced to Ms. Nga, “ My mother just passed away in Vietnam.”

Ms. Nga sent her condolences and asked,” Do you have to do anything for the funeral?”

Mr Thien said,” Nope. My wife is in Vietnam right now. She takes care of everything. I do not have to worry.” 

The day Nguyen’s mother went back to LA, she brought a picture of Ba Noi home so she could put it up on the altar. She arranged a small table with food offerings, flowers, and incense so Mr. Thien could pray and made a last bow to Ba Noi.

After we set up everything, Nguyen’s mother called upstairs, “ Mr. Thien, please go down to pray for your mother.” 

Mr. Thien came down, appeared shirtless, and wore his casual short pants. 

Nguyen‘s mother got mad. She yelled in her extremely soft but sharp voice,” Mr. Thien, can you go back up and wore appropriated outfit so you can pray for your mother one last time.” “ Treat this event as if you were attending your mother’s funeral, please.” 

 Mr. Thien‘s face looked annoyed, lightly furrowed his brows. Yet he followed his wife’s instruction. He came back up and wore a suit and pants.

Nguyen’s mother stayed gentle and quiet. She was disappointed but put up with Mr. Thien. She calmly made sure Mr. Thien did everything right so she would burn the funeral white clothes for everyone in the family.  She could make sure that she had done her duty to her mother-in-law until the end with her grace and tenderness. 

Looking back, after marrying Mr. Thien, Nguyen’s mother unintentionally acted like a helicopter parent to Mr. Thien. Even though she never wanted to do it, she stepped up and did it for 34 years of living with Mr. Thien.

Turned out that Nguyen’s mother never took the son away from Ba Noi. She replaced Ba Noi to continue to parent Ba Noi’s son to the end of her life. 

That's called Faith. 

Today is 20 years since Nguyen’s mother's passing in 2005.

This entry is for her. 

I did write the same story in Vietnamese a long time ago.

Yet, today I do my best to record this in English for Nguyen and his siblings, for my children, and her 4 younger grandchildren, whom she never had a chance to know.

Things that did not kill you would make you stronger. Despite all difficulties, four of her children survived and grew strong into successful individuals. Six of her grandchildren are doing the same. Nguyen's mother's spirit is strong, continuing to support this family throughout time and space. 

As her daughter-in-law, it is such an honor to be married to this family. Her beautiful image, kindness, and love will be in my heart forever. 

Life is difficult and challenging, but beautiful things unfold all the time if we know how to search for.