Helicopter parents (II)

  The event in which Nguyen was beaten by his uncle Tam turned out to be one of the most traumatic events in Nguyen’s childhood life.

I was told by his mother briefly. I did not pay much attention, so I did not ask her in detail what really happened.  

She shared that he was a mischievous boy. Nguyen was always active. He could not stay still. Nguyen got beaten by his oldest aunt and oldest uncle so many times for not staying still.

All the kids in the family behaved the same way. Yet, Nguyen was the one who got hit most of the time. Nguyen said that he got beaten by the broom, sticks, belts, or anything the adults could reach with a hand nearby.

Nguyen said, "It was easy for adults to beat up children back then. They got mad at something and would vent to the children. I got hit in my head so much. I got numb."

To avoid being around the house with other adults, Nguyen hung out with other children.

Kids were outside on the street back there without adults' supervision. If something happened because of how rough they played, other parents would come to Nguyen‘s house to complain. 

One day, when he was 8 -9 years old, he played with a boy next door. Both of them used sticks to play sword fights. Nguyen was outside the gate. Another boy was on the other side. Kids played back there was innocently simple, that no one paid much attention until someone got hurt. 

Unlucky, Nguyen poked the boy in his face right near his eye by accident. The boy bled. 

His father was a chief police officer from Nguyen’s neighborhood. He got angry. With rage, he came over to Nguyen’s house holding a handgun. He demanded that 4 adults, Ba Noi, both Nguyen’s parents, and uncle Tam, kneel. He threatened to kill the whole family.

Uncle Tam had to beat Nguyen to calm the chief police officer down. The uncle continued to beat him while the other adults were on their knees. Nguyen got faint twice. 

His mother had to use her body to cover her son. She begged Uncle Tam to stop. 

The punishment worked. The chief police officer was actually calm, watching the little boy almost die, being punished for “ his crime.” The almost lifeless boy and the frightened family surrendered on the ground, satisfied his ego, and he was pleased. He got justice for his son. 

Uncle Tam later explained to Nguyen that he had to beat him up to save his life and the whole family. 

Nguyen said he did not think much after. His mother told me this story one time and did not mention that the police got a gun over the house.

His second sister remembered the gun. She witnessed that everyone in her family was forced to kneel. Nguyen’s father would never mention this incident until I asked him. 

The father got annoyed and said that it was Nguyen’s fault for getting everyone in trouble.

Nguyen remembered this incident the night he called and cried with me in Oct 2024.

He said that he did not realize that whenever he mentioned his father, he tended to be mad or annoyed. His blood would boil up. He intentionally try the best to stay away from his father. A clear picture was stuck in his mind that his father was useless, who proven to have never protected him when he needed him the most. That event scared  Nguyen’s heart with resentment toward his father.

Nguyen said, “ I would never let anyone touch my children, let alone hit them like that.” 

I cry when writing this story. I cry for my husband. I cry for my father -in-law. I cry for Nguyen's childhood. Then I cry for my past as well.  Without our parents' availability, the boy got beaten up, and the girl got sexually molested.

Yet, neither of us grew up to be a gangster or prostitute, but helicopter parents. Let's be proud. Things that did not kill you will make you stronger. 

As humans, we were supposed to love each other. If true love happens, parents and children would have a beautiful bond. Everything would be fine. Everyone would be happy, and no trauma occurred.

In reality, life is suffering and complicated. We tend to bond with each other through trauma and pain, not true love. The kid would remember the parents' mistake for the rest of his or her life.

For example, no matter what we have done to take care of my daughter, she would always remember the day that Nguyen dropped her late for her swim practice because Nguyen misread her changed schedule from the coach.

I always told Nguyen that his father never had a father before. He had no knowledge of how to be a father to his son. Nguyen’s father was raised by a single mother who showered her son with all the money to make up for the lack of a father figure. As a result, Nguyen’s father grew up into a immature parent to his son. 

As a single mother, my mother understood that children would suffer. She forced me to promise her that I would never divorce. She said, "You have to work it out. You have to keep the marriage stable so your children will be stable, raised, and loved by two parents.”

Later on, when Nguyen got older and became a father, Nguyen did not hate his father as much as before. He learnt from his father's mistake. to compesated to his children, I guess, he has become overprotecting father to his children. He created and maintained a love and care-based bond with his children.

He made efforts to reconcile with his past. He invited his father go back to Vietnam on the trip with the hope to bond with his father.

 

That trip did not work out as Nguyen wished. This caused the relationship worsen. The father and son's trip to Vietnam served as a bandage on the surface of the much deeper wound. The trauma bond between son and father was already too thick and long-lasting. 

To convert the trauma bond to a less traumatic and to love- based bond, the truth must be revealed. Each truth would be treated with equal respect and an unjudgmental lens.

The process of conflict would need to be dissected in depth. 

One sister initiated a family project to interview/record Nguyen’s father about the family trip to the US in 1983.

The whole family came together at a big, beautiful Airbnb house in Lake Tahoe last Thanksgiving 2025 to do so. The project was meant to be translated into English for the next generation.

Turned out the adults were not ready. We still hold on to unspoken truths and unsolved problems. Sadness, anger, tears, and conflict clashes were too overwhelming to the point that we had to take a break between conversations.

Turned out we have to do this project to take care of our mess first, before even thinking of writing everything down and handing it over to our children. 

Every time we dare to speak up the truth with clarity, we heal a little bit more. Our hearts are lighter. The burdens from the past would be less heavy.

I told Nguyen. My dearest, let's continue to talk. Let's heal together.