Exercise # 2 / Creative writing

 Who/what is your inner critic/tame your inner critic

Here is my first answer. 

Surprise or not, this is the first time I learned the word, " inner critic" from the workshop. 

I thought my inner critic would be my mother.  When I was little, my mother was the one who read my essays. When I went to the US, I created a blog written mostly in Vietnamese so I could write every day for my mother to read. When she passed away 12 years ago, I found myself writing less and less since no one would read it anymore. If I need to write, in my mind, I think about writing something for her to read as an old habit. Last night, I wrote a poem in Vietnamese, and I had a conversation with her. My inner critic gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted with no filters. Right now, I am writing in English, and my inner critic has been asking me the question, " Will English readers understand what you mean? " 

1/25/2024

Here is my second answer. 

This morning, during my morning meditation I had an epiphany. I found out who/or what my inner critic is. 

This is not my mother like I shared my thought last night (1/24/2024) but the tiny little voice from my back kept saying, “Since you are writing to your mother, do not write it. Do not ever mention it.” 

My inner critic is my 12-year-old self, invisible and hidden somewhere inside my head to keep all secrets and shame to herself. A little girl who was scared to death of losing her mother to leukemia. That inner critic was so insignificant and almost invisible that I did not notice. 

Apparently, my inner critic never gives me the freedom to say whatever I want as I thought!

Today I realized that my inner critic was a 12-year-old girl who had grown so strong and powerful. This inner critic became a big thick-walled prison that was built with hate, secrets, shame, anxiety, insomnia, sadness, and guilt. The prison was built over time to keep a 53-year-old woman locked inside.   Whenever I want to unpack the deep side of the past, thinking about saying it in Vietnamese is impossible. 

The voice in the back lately is getting louder and louder. 

“Do not reveal it. Your mother passed in peace, let it be. She already suffered too much as a divorcee, as a single mother, and person who lived with leukemia for 20 years. She was strong enough to stay alive to bring you, your sister, and your brother up. Do not ever think about telling her things that absolutely hurt her again”. The louder voice says, “I warn you. You do not want to do it because you will hurt your brother and sister. You will destroy your sister and your relationship with your sister. You love them dearly. You must protect your siblings. You never say anything, why just keep silent.”

The concept of “inner critic” came from this workshop that helped me to identify my true inner critic.

It is not the voice that says, “Will English readers understand what you mean?”

It is not true when I say that I do not know how to start. Deep down I know that I have a whole volcano with boiling lava waiting to vent. The inner critic shut me down so quietly 40 years ago that I didn't even know.   

My inner critic is sneaky. It masked my laughs, jokes, and anything that prevented me from telling the truth. 

No wonder I behave the same. I quietly plan to write in English so my mother cannot read it!

Once I can hear clearly my inner voice say, “Don’t do it,”

I will separate myself from the voice of my inner critic in the back of my head. I know the more I write the louder my inner critic would be.  

 I was successful in identifying who/what it is, my inner critic. 

Taming my inner critic will be difficult.