Exercise # 7 /Creative writting

 

What do you feel when you tell your story?

I delayed this prompt for a long time because I had a lot of emotions when I wrote my story. The mix of emotions confused me. The big one is guilt.

Always guilt.

I remember one said, that when you are ready to tell or seek the truth, you must be a completely dried log of wood ready to be burnt. You just need to spark a match and then your dried wood will burn all up. It would continue burning up until you are done telling your truth.

And from the ashes, the phoenix will rise and you will be born again strong and proud  ( the last sentence suddenly came as I remembered The Hunger Games movie)

I thought that was my case when taking this class. I was so ready to tell the truth. I said that I was like a sleeping volcano with boiling lava inside waiting to get out.

It is proven true for some parts. I have been writing so much for the last two weeks. I have been revealing some secrets and heavy things out of my chest.

Still, I am waiting for each prompt/ homework from Andrea and David to give my permission to keep writing.  Why?

The dried log of wood is not dried enough because I have been crying too much.  Or Seattle has been soaking rain so much that my ready-to-burnt wood got wet again?  Is my boiling lava too heavy to get erupted?

I am looking back at my dried log of wood. Half charr, half wet half exposed, half embarrassed lying down sadly in the middle of the empty road and hoping to be let alone and not be noticed. I somehow wish that someone walked by and kicked the piece of wood back into the sidewalk so I could stay hidden again.

Last night I told myself: “Châu, you are a fifty-three-year-old adult. You do not need permission to keep writing. Take it all out and burn your dried wood up. If not now, then when.”

And another me would say, “Châu, why do you do it now. Your family is preparing to celebrate the Lunar New Year in Vietnam. They are cleaning up the houses, preparing a lot of good food. Your sister is going back to her husband’s family. Your brother does the same. Both have much bigger in-law families. Your nieces and nephew are happy to look forward to 2024, the year of the Wooden Dragon. All are happy. Tết is the time for happiness. And all you want is to burn your dried wood up. Such a selfish individual person “

(When I write that I am a selfish one, I always remind myself to be gentle to myself. That is just a thought. I am not a selfish person).

Guilt is huge. Guilt is the big block.

However, deep down inside me, I know that I must keep going as all the cats already get out of the bag. I cannot put them back. The piece of wood yearns to keep burning.