Dream of childhood house and a Baby Dragon

I had a dream last night 05/21/2024 that showed me childhood friend Thảo, who lived with me in the Cao Thắng building from I was 7 years old until we both got married and moved out of the building 20 years later. 

Thảo was the only friend I hung out with throughout my entire childhood.  Also, I was the only friend that Thao's parents allowed her to spend time with. Both of us did not hang out with other children at the "hood". Other children were allowed to be out on the street. We were not. We were either at her apartment or mine. We either hang out with me alone or with both of my brothers and sister. No one else. We shared the same lonely childhood together. 

On the third-floor balcony across her apartment's window. We were 11-12 years old at that time.

At my 15th birthday party 

( I believe the two black and white pictures were taken by Ba Minh. Now I remember that all black and white pictures of my family and friends were photographed by him. )

At my apartment's little kitchen making yellow pancakes called bánh xèo with my mother and in her little living room on her birthday over 20 years ago. My little sister, Mưa sent these photos to me when she re-modeled her house three months ago, in 2024. My heart squeezed hard seeing how happy and young and innocent we were. 

Me and Thảo talked over FB messenger over time not often because we both are busy living our lives. After we got married, we slowly walked two separate paths. 

I live in the US while Thảo stays in Vietnam with her husband and three sons. Later she send three of them to the US to study. We keep each other in touch via FB pages and later messengers.

The last time we met each other in person was at the wedding of her second son. We called him Bia Em at home (Bia is Beer, Em is the younger sibling in Vietnamese).  

It was late October 2022 Saturday. The rain was hard soaking wet Westminster that night. 

She greeted me with a big hug and, "Oh man. Are you cold-wearing like this? " I respond to her, " I thought you were a bride." Both laughed, just like in the old days. 

 I was the only friend of her that came to the wedding. We were placed to sit at the groom's family table. Her second son is the same age as Beo, my son. Interestingly, both were born and lived their first few months at the Cao Thang building. 

At the wedding, we showed off a few rare fading black-and-white pictures of our childhood to the other guests which served as my introduction and explanation of why a total stranger like me was at the wedding not knowing everyone around.  

at her son's wedding party in 2022

 Besides my childhood, some black-and-white pictures, and that rare wedding occasion, I connect to her mostly through my dreams. In my recurrent dreams, I always see her at Cao Thang building sometimes in our apartment together, sometimes at the stairwell. I remember the dreams were always dark. Last night's dream was surprisingly different. No Cao Thang. No apartment. No darkness. 

Instead, in the dream, she sends me $ 200.000 asking me to pay off the house for her. She sends money through an American electronic system called Zelle.

I woke up from a peculiar dream.

The first thought that came to my mind was that she bought the house in the US for her son? 

Then I brushed it off. Nope. Too shallow. In my dreams, obvious things like that do not happen.

 I texted and shared the dream with her. She said, "No house" and sent me a picture of her second son, his wife, and a picture of a newborn baby.

I could not believe that my childhood friend now has become a grandma. 

Is that the paid-off house? The fruitful result of the marriage. A beautiful baby? 

I said congratulations. I asked questions about the baby including name and birthday.  

Last night she texted me back “May 13. Sound familiar to you?”

May, 13! 

Of course. Birthday of my little sister and the death day of Ba Minh. Turned out Thao remembers my little sister's birthday. 

May,13,1978. 

 She did not know the death day of Ba Minh but she remembers Ba Minh as clearly as I do.  

I always believe dream works with layers. 

This dream is deeply personal working in layers that intertwined with my best friend from the past.  

She was my only friend who witnessed back-to-back bad things that happened to my 12-year-old little girl. She knows things I would never reveal to my sister and brother. 

As my only friend, she held a safe space for me to survive my darkness by spending time night and day with me and my two siblings. Through countless dark nights without electricity, we kept each other company. We played cards. We made eggshells into dolls, dressed them up with newspaper, and decorated them with my mother's watercolors. We set up the small theater for a puppet show. We were both actors and audiences.  We played hopscotch draw with white chalk on the cement floor on the rooftop every morning during summer. We carried hand-made lanterns with a tiny flickering candle inside at night along the hallway during the mid-autumn festivals.

She is holding a safe space for me to re-enter my darkness as an adult. After 34 years.

She suggested, " Can you look at your past from a different angle? a little less dark? " 

" I am doing it," I told her.  

She is also my friend who unconsciously appears in my recurrent dreams.  

Last night she told me "to pay off the house". She sends me the money. 

Pay it off, Châu! This is over. 

2024 already. 

We texted. She said she could not endure my emotional pain for me. She said that she would not read my blogs because she already knows how painful it would be but she will be available right here with me as I am walking through the darkness to heal my wounds. 

The $200.000 symbolized her emotional currency as her support?

To pay off my childhood trauma? 

I have to do it myself. 

A new baby is born. Same day. Random? Or. This.  May 13, 2024, will change the meaning? 

Not guilt/ not sad/not mad /not outburst /not death but reborn to a fresh, pure, brand new future?

Thảo nicknamed her first grandson bé Rồng (Baby Dragon ) for 2024 is the year of a Dragon.

Something powerful like a dragon that emerged on the same date that has been haunting me?

I told Thảo," I am not sure my past trauma is healed but I know it is healing as long as I keep going. Through unexpected dreams that give me hints and the courage to go back and explore the deepest hidden from the past." 

I can dive into the darkness and unknown territory to heal myself because, in the past, there were dear people like my friend, sister and brother, mother, and father to hold me safely.  

Also, I can step into my pain because I have a lovely family, such as my husband and my two children to anchor me to the solid ground. 

This is not random. This is an absolute truth that a beautiful rainbow always appears after the rain. 

I remember this statement from Carl Gustav Jung, " No tree can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to Hell".

It all makes sense if I pay enough attention.  

Artist and the van that carries dreams/ creative writting

 The dream on 03/17/2023

 I had a dream of my mother driving a big van with me inside. The road was ink-dark.  The van did not have a headlight, and my mother kept driving.

I was scared. I wanted to find a way to turn the headlight on and I could not. We drove pass a toddler and a child. A toddler was seen inside a baby walker. Both children were in the middle of the freeway. For some reason, we did not run over even though they were on the way.

We kept driving on and on like this for a long time.  Again, the road was dark. Some time I saw smoke from the horizon. Then the car got stuck in the alley and stopped by itself.

We both got out. I saw a girl lying down in front of the van. I was not sure why she was there. I was not sure if she was dead or sleeping.

Mother and I walked pass the alley until we saw a bright light fill up the enormous space that showcased a fancy mall and the library. Both of us walked up and down the stairs. We saw a lot of people sitting, chatting, and drinking coffee. We tried to get back to the van. The place was huge, so we thought we would get lost.

Then I woke up.

The day before, my daughter, Bánh Xèo told me that she would like to go for an MFA program after BA.

I did not say a word. I just know. Yes, she does. 

 

 

My mother told me that she always wanted to be an artist from a very young age.  

She was born in South Vietnam. My grandfather was a skillful carpenter and poor. My grandmother was from a rich family who owned lands and rice fields. My grandmother, followed her heart to marry the one she loved, disowned by her family.  My mother had a big family with five other siblings. 

In 1954, when Vietnam was split into two entities at the 17th parallel, my mother was sent to the North by her parents, who were Communist sympathizers. She was told that she would go to school. My mother recalled that she loved to go to school so she agreed. She was 9 years old at that time. She did not understand either Communist or anti-Communist ideology. She did not know about the war or the splits. With the dream of going to school in mind, she left her family to go to an unknown place up North and did not see them back 21 years later. 

So, she went, studied for three years in China, and trained as a propaganda artist in Hà Nội. Propaganda artists got assignments from the government. When my mother had time to do art on her own, she did and that was what my mother did until she died. Art was her life, spirit, and soul. When she could not create art, she knew this was time for her to go. 

She told my little sister Mưa right before she died," I wanted to stay longer with my children and grandchildren. But my body told me this was time. Let me go. Please do not put me back in the hospital." She went peacefully shortly after that. 

She trained me to be an artist like her when I was 5 years old. I did not go to art school after graduating from high school. Artists did not make money and we were poor. I did not want to follow my mother's steps. I wanted to make money to help my mother out. She was disappointed but understood. 

But like my mother, I love to study. I love to go to school. I went to university but quit at the beginning of my third year when I was employed by Vietnam Airlines.  Helping my mother at that time was more important than going to school. She was sad but went along with my plan, which I did not know what it was. Deep down, both I and my mother understand how bad I wanted to come back to school. 

I married and moved to the US. With my husband's help, I had opportunities to go back to school and oh mind. I went to school for 10 years straight. What kind of husband supported his wife to go to school for a long time. He was. Beyond that,  he wholeheartedly supported me to be who I am. Yes. 

I have become an artist. I was surprised that I was comfortably good and happy at being an artist.

I carry my mother's blood through my veins. I run away from art but art somehow always finds a way back to me

Now it was my daughter and her cousin’s case that proved the same.

My daughter was trained as a swimmer and wanted to be a soldier, like her brother. She went to West Point to be a swimmer and soldier as she planned to do. Things were challenging at school. She kept herself afloat as a swimmer, not a soldier. Being a soldier is not her material. Being a leader is not in her element. 

This girl was tough. She soldiered on at Westpoint for two years. Then. 

She went to Hawaii University to join their varsity swim team and picked up art as one of her majors.

Her works are adorable and serious at the same time. This girl knows how to combine serious human emotions into her daily life stories. Her designs were simplified down to solid and basic forms. Yet, the voiceover of her art colorfully conveys and explores feelings and emotions through complex lenses. Her stories provoked audiences to think and created a platform so others could discuss various human conditions in much deeper levers. 

At the same time, my niece, Noel, as her mother nicknamed her, is studying at the university to be an architect.

When Noel was in high school, she was to be good at math and chemistry. She planned to study chemistry when she went to college. Mưa, my sister, and her husband spent time, money, and energy to help Noel to achieve that goal. In the middle of her senior year in high school, she told her family that she wanted to study architecture.

Mua told me. Noel follows Bà Ngoại ( Grandma) ’s footsteps. 

I did not say a word. I just know. Yes, she does.

Noel studied art to create her portfolio and entry exam to architecture school, which was highly competitive. She did not have difficulty doing so. She is now a sophomore at Ho Chi Minh Architecture University.

Like my daughter, Noel could spend hours drawing and painting and was happy to be alone in the studio.

 Like me. Like my mother.

My mother’s blood is running strong through three generations.

Back to the dream I shared from the beginning. Things start to make sense and reveal the truth.

In the dream, my mother was driving a van in total darkness. She kept driving and never stopped until she reached the light of the library. The car stopped itself. She followed her gut and listened to her heart even though she did not know where to go.  The van is a vessel to carry her dream and take her to her desired destination. She carried me along with her. Two children on the road were my daughter and my niece?

I am still puzzled about the girl who lay down in front of the car while we stopped. I will keep this interpretation open as I know dreams work in layers. I am sure about the bright light and library we went into.

I seriously thought that I did not want to be an artist from the beginning. Turns out, I did not have a choice because art is me and I am art in-separately. It is inside my body and blood. This is genetic. The rational mind has nothing to do with being an artist. The heart and guts do. 

Now I can say to my children, listening to your heart and guts, your dreams will come true. 

Everything else will be ok.