No internet

 I was on the Grief summit training today 07/31/2025.   The lectures were beautifully moved and meaningfully presented. While listening to afternoon session, in the middle of it, the internet went down, cutting me off from the training. 

Just like that. 

No warning. No word. 

Just like that. The zoom screen  was freeze. I got kicked out. Brutally silent.

There was the loud boom right before the internet got shut down. I guessed may be the construction site next door that caused it. Or, Jet blue angel practiced for the Sea Fair this weekend flew over Seattle sky today. Maybe that was the cause. I would never know. People would never tell why. Too much accountability. Too much trouble. 

Whatever happened, the fact that I did not have the internet.  Even deep down I know that I have a chance to view the replay later. Without internet, suddenly,  I felt empty and meaningless. I did not know what to do at that moment.

 I feel useless. I got into a " gentle"  panic mode.  Like, " I should do the training today. I should had be productive. ". And now I am not.  I feel disappointed.  I felt guilty. I felt isolated being cut off from the world. 

I tried for 30 minutes to get the internet back on without success.

The screen from my laptop said, “ while you wait for the internet connection, you can play games”. Hahaha The computer programed to invite me to play game because they already know that I would be bored without the internet.

My husband suggested a hotspot that hooks my laptop to the internet via the cell phone so I could continue the training. It did not work with the zoom video. It was too slow.

After few attempts of mindlessly turned on and off the laptop,  I gave up trying because I got exhausted.

These few minutes I had nothing to do was terrifying.

My son said, “ that is ok if the internet down. You can stop and go to the park, “ He joked.

“I remember you said the same thing to me before when I played video game. This is payback time mom”. 

"Hahaha", I laughed with him.

I paused. I felt chilled. We all know that that would be ok not to have the internet for a while.

We are so getting used to the internet, like addiction . All of my work involves having internet. All of my activities out of work involved around internet as well. 

Yoga / meditation / buying things/paying rent / shopping for food / getting application done/ submitting things/ mapping/ getting junk news are just the few.

Without internet, I am useless and disable, seems one part of me is cutting off.

Something is profoundly wrong here.

Today we talk about grief/death/dying and forgiveness. The themes that I have been interested in and get training for few years up to now.

I am doing quilt series that related all of these themes. 

Death, grief and forgiveness.

The quilt project is focused on my grieving my father who died 30 years ago. I did not have any chance to actual grieve him. When he passed away, I mourned but not grieving. I had so many unfinished feelings and unpacked trauma back then, my heart was not ready and available to do the grief work.

The presenters talked a lot about: 

How to pause , take time out, take time off to feel internally while we are doing grief work. No feel/ No heal. 

Maybe. 

Being cut off from internet actually is not bad. It gave me time to move inward, reflecting what I just heard from others.

Too bad that I got cut off right in the middle of the beautiful lecture. Also too bad to feel unfinished.

But it was too good to be true that I could stop myself for a little bit.

 Just pause for a little bit to refresh is blissful.

Creative writing for Grief and Loss: The 100 (II)

 

                                                  

I just finished this one yesterday. The tittle of this quilt is  The 100 (II). 

The 100 (I) I got it done  after my mother passes away, around 2012-13. 

That was the quilt shown below. I copied two sentences of her poem onto the quilt. 

The poem expressed her feelings of happiness and proud living inside her new/first and only house. We did not know she created poem until she passed away. This poem sticks  with me. 

She was raised Communist and never owned anything except her genuine feelings and her beautiful soul. When she managed to build the house and lived in, her emotions and feelings were overwhelmed with joy ( finally I own something), sadness (because her daughter was away, could not live with her) and proud (I did it with my own hands, sweat and toil day in and day out).

My mother passed away 2011, like I said, I could not go home for the funeral because I did not have money to buy the airplane ticket.. I carried that guilt until today. I still have to process the heavy feeling  while writing it now. For how long? I do not know. I mourned her passing everyday, quilting and crying. I did two quilts to grief her. The one below , The 100 (I) was one. 

The 100 quilting to count time for grieving and self- healing. 

7 days/ 49 days and 100 days after your loved one passed is a important day in Vietnamese culture. We would do the offerings for the deceased either at home nor in the Temple. I went home to do the offerings with my siblings and relatives and my mother's friends for the 49 days. 

This quit is my offerings for my mother's 100 day. 

                                                       

I had a sketch at the actual 100 days of my mother's passing. 

Go back to the quilt done yesterday. The 100 (II) done as my offerings for my Father's 100 day passing. I did not do it when he passed away in 1994. Some what 30 years ago, I publicly mourned him but never grieving him like I am doing now. 

Last year I went back home, I brought back to the US  a piece of my father's army green blanket. My mother kept it for years. 

The blanket has been used  by my mother inside her studio. It got smaller and smaller as she cut into pieces over the time. She sew the border around the small pieces into little towels. I was lucky. There was two towels left at home. 

I used the green fabric to sew onto one of my son's discard clothes. I started to grief my father with an act of sewing. Counting time to grief my father like I did for my mother. 

 Guilt is first emotion I had with both my mother and then my father when grieving. 

Hopefully, after this series of quilting and writing, my guilt will less troublesome and less heavy inside my heart so I  can allow myself grief both of my parents with love eventually.