Bài đầu năm giao thừa Tết con Ngựa Lửa và tiền mãn kinh

Tình là hình bữa giờ phóng bài toàn tiếng anh. Viết nhiều quá tự đang lên cơn. Không viết ra kịp tới lúc hết cơn mần sao mà viết. 

Quá tội. Đang tiền mãn kinh. Tay chân lúc tê lúc mỏi. Người lúc nóng lúc lạnh.

Bữa có than hồi đang thêu mấy cái tranh triễn lãm . Tay đau. Phải ngưng một thời gian. Sau này phát hiện tại tiền mãn kinh mà ra. Bớt yoga/ qua khí công nha. 

Dạo này mình khí công ngũ hành và mười hai thức lên xuống như lão bà bà rồi nha. 

Mình tập dịch cân kinh khá lâu rồi. Giờ coi You tube mới biết Dịch Chân Kinh là một bài vẫy tay của khí công. Mấy bài đang tập là của mấy ông thầy Việt Nam không nha. Thấy Việt Nam tập khí công là chuẩn. Mình ngồi thiền cũng lâu rồi. Qua khí  công cũng vất vả tháng đầu nhưng thích nha. Tiếp thu nhanh và giờ coi như hàng ngày rồi. Là già rồi đó. Lên xuống từ từ mà thở chứ không đu tay chân mạnh bạo được. Khí công thở thiệt chậm cũng không dễ nha. Được cái nhip thở theo các động tác tay chân nên nhip nhàng hơn ngồi thiền hay yoga.

Anh con dạo này có môn trượt tuyết. Seatte tiểu bang này núi non trùng điệp ngàn cái. Anh nói anh leo hết núi này trượt qua núi kia cho tới hết thì thôi. Năm nay không tình yêu. Anh nói leo núi thất tình trượt xuống coi như anh không cần đi therapy. Anh và một đám bạn cũng vật vưởng tình yêu thất bại một bầy . Tối ngày kéo nhau leo núi phóng xuống. Leo lên leo xuống vậy á. Nói một câu xanh dờn. Con không yêu nữa. Con sợ rồi. Yêu khổ quá. Hahahha.

Tiền làm đi mua board trượt tuyết. Mang về trưng đầy nhà. Xong trang bị drone chụp hình trên cao. Cảnh núi lồng lộn hùng vỉ một mình một cõi bao la cho qua cơn thất tình. Hahah

Năm nay tuyết trên Seattle ít. Hẻo quá. Các anh phải lái qua Canada xài ké tuyết bên đó. Tính qua tính lại vẫn lời. Anh khoe. Còn hơn bị bể nát trái tim.

Xong hôm nay anh xách cái board dài, đóng thùng đàng hoàng. Bay qua Hokkaido chơi tuyết. Mình nghĩ. Đời yêu nhau cũng khổ. Không yêu cũng khổ. Anh đã mua cái board này sáu tháng trước cho chuyến Hokkaido. Xứ này tuyết nhiều nhất thế giới. Chơi trèo lên tuột xuống hai tuần coi như thiên đàng. Nê cái board dài tổ bà nái ra sân bay cũng mệt nha. Mà thích. Qua bên đó mướn một cái board cho lành cũng ok mà người ta không biết mình đi trượt tuyết cũng không thích. Sân si mệt ghê. Nhỉ.

Trước khi đi anh dễ thương lắm. Kêu mẹ thích mua gì con đi Costco mua. Mẹ ở nhà không phải đi. Mẹ phóng cho cái list anh tha hàng về hết cho Mẹ. 

Mua xong xếp tủ lạnh đàng hoàng . Xong dặn mẹ nè. Mẹ nhớ cho Happie ra ngoài ba tiếng một lần dùm cái nha. Sáng ăn một cữ. Chiều một cữ mà ít thôi nha. Tối ăn nhiều quá mắc công nó ói. Hahaha.

Hú hồn. Giờ già ngồi trông con chó cũng già như mình. Chứ chưa phải không phải trông con cái cháu chiết chi cho nó. 

Em Xèo cũng Hokkaido. Mà em chu vu xuống miền Nam nước Nhật. Ba cha con đi chơi bên Nhật.

Mình úm trong nhà. Giờ đi đâu thì đi. Sẽ một người phải ở nhà coi em Happie. Em mười sáu tuổi rồi. Cũng hom hem y như mình rồi. Tóc tai rụng. Mắt mờ và lãng tai rồi nha. Nhà thành nhà dưỡng lão cho chó. Cũng không dám gởi ai nữa. Nhìn em chó già đi. Thương lắm.

Seattle hôm nay lạnh. Sau cái tuần thắng Super Bowl, nắng vàng rực thành phố. Nguyên ngày hôm nay đen thui. Mưa ướt . Lạnh khủng. Gió thổi hù hù thấu xương. 

Bữa nay ngồi nguyên ngày training. Giờ trainning thong thả quá. Cứ ngồi nhà online đóng tiền lấy chứng chỉ thôi.

Tính lấy cái chứng chỉ làm tư vấn cho couple. Nhiều cái hay nha. Training bốn ngày xong.

Rằng thì là. Xếp bằng tròn.

Mai mốt có bằng về tư vấn tình yêu cho anh con nhà này coi xem sao. Hahaha

Lôi đống nhật ký ra coi. Thấy ngày xưa yêu đương dữ dội thất tình hàng hà sa số. 

Mình nói con. Ngày xưa mẹ cũng vất vả vì tình. Xong rồi cũng qua.

Chàng một mực. Con không dính dáng. Con chơi với chó thôi. 

Hahaha. Thôi năm nay năm Ngựa, chơi với chó coi như bình an.

Mình ở nhà. Bao nhiêu chuyện phải làm ngoài chuyện coi chó ra. Hahah. 

Bữa nay giao thừa bên Mỹ. Việt Nam mùng một Tết . 

Chụp lại hình này cho các em coi. Ngày xưa mình làm thiệp tặng Má. Má giữ lại hết cho mình nha. 

Cái này làm hình ngựa mà coi lại năm này không phải năm ngựa. Năm con chuột. 1984.

Cứ lục ra một trang hai trang thế nào cũng có chuyện dính liếu tới trai. Ngày xưa làm chi có chuyện leo lên núi trượt ào ào xuống trị bịnh thất tình. Mới xe đạp xuống dốc té mất hết hàm răng.

Nên. Khi. Thất tình. Một là chạy đi kiếm người chửi. Hai là làm thơ chửi Hahahah. Bực bội lúc đó khạt nhổ vài hàng chơi chơi rồi cất đi. Vài chục năm lôi ra lại đi hù thiên hạ. Hhhahah ngày xưa nguy hiểm ngựa bay bay bốc lửa ầm ầm.

Ngày xưa, cuốn nào trang đầu hàng cũng viết câu này dằn mặt trước cái đã. Hahahah trang thứ hai cho tới hết cuốn viết hết trong ̣đầu có nhiêu thổ lộ không còn cái chi. Giờ quăng hết ra đây. Hahah. Bớt nguy hiểm lắm rồi.

Hahahah thời ngây ngô. Giờ không Tam Quốc. Không diễn nghĩa mà La Hán Trung La hán quả chi cũng không nữa nha.

Giờ ngồi an bình chơi với chó. Không lo thất tình chi chi nữa. Ngồi dòm con mình. Cười kha kha. 

Hàng mãn kinh rồi. Giờ ngồi học lại tư vấn tình yêu. Thì con cứ việc ngồi chơi với chó trượt lên trượt xuống cho hết cho một ngàn cái núi. Yêu là khổ rồi. Đời căn bản là khổ. Không tránh được.

Nhưng không tình yêu thì cũng buồn lắm. Nha con. 

Ai yêu ai thương ai kệ nha. Đang làm loạt tranh này nè. Ghiền. Vụ này vui. Cũng là cách học thuộc lòng cái bảng đồ này luôn nha.

Ngày xưa học ̣địa lý, thầy bắt làm sao ba phút xong cái bản đồ Việt Nam.

Giờ ráng luyện hết năm nay nha, mười phút xong cái bản đồ này. Coi như dưỡng già tiền mãn kinh thành công nha.

Vậy nha. Tết tới vẫn còn vất vả cho xong cái loạt bài tiếng anh Helicopter parent. Còi dài dài. Mần cha mần mẹ không biết bao giờ cho xong. Nhể.

Pà con vui vẻ an bình. Ngựa phóng cỡ nào cũng ngừng chân khí công hoài cổ cho lành nha.

"The Last Half of the Poem" quilt : One door shut, another one opens

Finally, The show will be up on Dec, 04, 2025. 

This is my artist 's statement . I will share a gallery space with two other Vietnamese artists. 

 Chau Huynh

Artist's statement for 2025 “Cut, Stich, Liminal”

The Vietnam/American war ended in 1975 with officially conclusion that Vietnamese people won the war. However, the post war era is a different story when the unpacked and unspoken traumas that more complicated and causing invisible wound for so many of Vietnamese for the last 50 years. I am one that belongs to post war generation who experiences the unnamed trauma that is silently, heavily, unconsciously and involuntarily passed down from the previous generation, especially from my parents who both endured dramatically through the war.

I thought the war had nothing to do with me since I am living in a peaceful time. Turned out, often time I feel stuck and confused, sad and depressed, numb and anxious when the word “war” mentioned. I have been using my art practice to learn about this controversial war for the last 20 years so I could own my truth. Eventually I learnt that truth hurts but it is necessary for healing.

This project is my attempt to record my grief for my father who passed away in 1993. I remembered that when we were together, my father and I barely talked about the war and his experience related to the war. We did not have a good relationship because he left the family when I was a child. When he died, I mourned him publicly but never wholeheartedly grief him. In my mind back there, I never had a love for him since I felt numb. When I grew older, the numbness turned into guilt. The guilt gets heavy when I feel that I miss him.

The two quilts I had done for this show represent my courage and effort to learn the truth about my father, my grief for him, my yearning to hear from him what he would had say about the war. I used his green blanket that he carried with him throughout his lifetime to sew onto the quilt as my commitment to mend my relationship with him. Deep down from my heart, I know that I would never know his truth. Yet, through the quest of finding my truth, I faithfully believe that each hand stitch from this project would help me to transform my guilt to love.

Grief is love !

Of course this one will not be in the show. Like I mentioned before, my hands and fingers hurt so much during the time I worked on this quilt. 

I had to stop for few months to allow my fingers healed. Apparently, the pain is less but seem never go away. I think the pain is chronic now. I remembered feeling scared and traumatized associated with this quilt. The memory of excruciating pain  already has been woven its invisible layer in the quilt. 

Go figure that I cannot run away from either hold on to this pain forever, I need to confront it, some how get pass and move on.

So heck. Go back to the " no pain no gain" . 

As the result, for the last few weekends, I have been back  sewing and stitching along with watching WWII and USSR on You Tube. The past literally comes back full scale with my grieving for my father/ black and white history film slowly unfolded with new truth that I had never known before.

 Wonderful epic experience.  

Additionally, I started practicing Qi Gong to avoid practicing yoga which using both hands heavily each pose.

Turned out Qi Gong is GREAT ! 

The technique  of 12 forms of Qi Gong is perfect that I feel I would love to practice everyday.  

I have been following few great Vietnamese teachers  on You Tube. There is a Shaolin master named  Shi Heng Yi that I checked out from You Tube, turned out he is Vietnamese. 

I know. One door shut, another door opens ! 

I am looking forward to get the quilt done by the end of 2025.

Continue to update. 

Turned out. I installed all three pieces yesterday.

The curator asked me to hang three since 2 others each has three. I rushed up to finish the border for the last one. It looked temporarily finished for this show. I can continue to finish the poem later. 

Here is my part of the show. The result looked good enough. I am happy. 

Creative writing for Grief and Loss: The 100 (II)

 

                                                  

I just finished this one yesterday. The tittle of this quilt is  The 100 (II). 

The 100 (I) I got it done  after my mother passes away, around 2012-13. 

That was the quilt shown below. I copied two sentences of her poem onto the quilt. 

The poem expressed her feelings of happiness and proud living inside her new/first and only house. We did not know she created poem until she passed away. This poem sticks  with me. 

She was raised Communist and never owned anything except her genuine feelings and her beautiful soul. When she managed to build the house and lived in, her emotions and feelings were overwhelmed with joy ( finally I own something), sadness (because her daughter was away, could not live with her) and proud (I did it with my own hands, sweat and toil day in and day out).

My mother passed away 2011, like I said, I could not go home for the funeral because I did not have money to buy the airplane ticket.. I carried that guilt until today. I still have to process the heavy feeling  while writing it now. For how long? I do not know. I mourned her passing everyday, quilting and crying. I did two quilts to grief her. The one below , The 100 (I) was one. 

The 100 quilting to count time for grieving and self- healing. 

7 days/ 49 days and 100 days after your loved one passed is a important day in Vietnamese culture. We would do the offerings for the deceased either at home nor in the Temple. I went home to do the offerings with my siblings and relatives and my mother's friends for the 49 days. 

This quit is my offerings for my mother's 100 day. 

                                                       

I had a sketch at the actual 100 days of my mother's passing. 

Go back to the quilt done yesterday. The 100 (II) done as my offerings for my Father's 100 day passing. I did not do it when he passed away in 1994. Some what 30 years ago, I publicly mourned him but never grieving him like I am doing now. 

Last year I went back home, I brought back to the US  a piece of my father's army green blanket. My mother kept it for years. 

The blanket has been used  by my mother inside her studio. It got smaller and smaller as she cut into pieces over the time. She sew the border around the small pieces into little towels. I was lucky. There was two towels left at home. 

I used the green fabric to sew onto one of my son's discard clothes. I started to grief my father with an act of sewing. Counting time to grief my father like I did for my mother. 

 Guilt is first emotion I had with both my mother and then my father when grieving. 

Hopefully, after this series of quilting and writing, my guilt will less troublesome and less heavy inside my heart so I  can allow myself grief both of my parents with love eventually. 

Creative writing for grief and loss: Drinking (rice) wine

 Drinking (rice ) wine is a name of Bui Giang’s last poem (at least I was informed by the internet).

I found his poem awhile back. The poem got my attention at once. Since then, it continues to draw me in time to time for a few years now. I wanted to create art about it. For unclear reason, this poem is overwhelmingly profound. I developed a personal connection reading it repeatedly before understanding the underlying meaning between lines. The fact that he wrote it before he passed away chilled my bone.

The poem was written in Vietnamese. In general, poem has metaphors and hidden layers of meanings. In contrast, this poem is obviously  straight forward black and white that functions like a good slap onto my face every  time I read it.

Line after line.

As the result, I decided to quilt the poem in black and white for the group show the end of this year. I started last month with a lot of anxiety. I was afraid that I could not finish it on time for the deadline.  I ended up finished half of this poem in one quilt, mean I need to start another quit to finish off the poem. 

My anxiety showed in both uneven hand embroidery and zic zac machine sewing weaving each others.  After managing to sew all the texts filling up the quilt, my anxiety is fading away a little bit that allowed me to stay calm and process what is going on. Turned out the anxiety was never about the fear of missing the deadline, the anxious feeling stemmed from something much deeper inside me. The yearn to re-connection with my father.

 

Uống xong ly rượu cuối cùng

Bỗng nhiên chợt nhớ đã từng đầu tiên

Uống như uống nước ngọc tuyền

Từ đầu tiên mộng tới phiền muộn sau

Uống xong ly rượu cùng nhau

Hẹn rằng mai sẽ quên nhau muôn đời

Em còn ở lại vui chơi

Suốt năm suốt tháng suốt nơi lan tràn

Riêng anh về suốt suối vàng

Trùng phùng Lý Bạch nghênh ngang Tản Đà

Em còn ở với sơn hà

Anh còn mất hút gần xa mất hoài.

This is my raw version of English translation.

Drink up the last glass of rice wine

Suddenly ( I ) remember the first time (I) used to drink

The wine tasted like alkaline water

From the first dream to the latter sadness

Drink up the last wine together

I promised tomorrow we will forget each other forever

You stay back to indulge life

Whole day whole month endless every where

As for my part, I will return to the underworld golden stream

To be reunion with Ly Bach and swagger with Tan Da.

You stay back on this land

I will get lost near and far forever.

note: Ly Bach was one of the most famous Chinese poets/ Tan Da was the same famous Vietnamese poet both passed away long time before Bui Giang   I think this is a best line, the soul of the poem. Death is equalizer. The courage to face death?  Too deep here ! I  will come back and explore further. 

My word to word basic translation is not even near anything Bui Giang’s poem but this is a first attempt for me to explore this poem in both English and Vietnamese.

The theme for my quilts is reconnection to my father. He passed away 08/10/1994. Over 30 years ago, three of us went to his funeral. We did not cry. I felt numb and guilty because I could not cry.  I mourned my father in public but secretly grieving him with numbness and callousness. 

                                 

      This is one page of my diary 1994 expressed before and after my father passes away.

 I don't feel sorry for my 23 year old young lady who used such harsh words to describe true and dark feeling toward the death of her father because I knew that she was truthful to her flesh and bone writing things like that.

 However I am looking forward for my 54 year old lady who could think differently at this moment and ready to process true grief and loss which happened 3 decades ago. My intend is to let go the upsetting past so I can move on grieving my father with love and  peace. 

In 2024, finally I did creative writing workshop for grief and lost, I developed a deepen connection with my father. I started to wish I had talk to him. I met him in my dream once time. He wanted to reconcile with my mother. I wished I had ask him about his two trips from North to the South Vietnam to cover the Vietnam/ American War. I wished I had known him more about his life and his marriage to my mother. I wish I had known his side of the story. 

Bui Giang’s poem served like a key to open up my forever yearn talking to my father. I would like to have a drink with my father. I would like to truly had a last wine to say goodbye to my father. I cried missing him first time in my life last year. I wrote about it.

Quilting project for this show will be focused to explore my true grief and loss of my father who passed away 30 years ago. Like every one else, my father is deserved to be grieved with love. 

Eventually. 

 Another note to calm my anxiety : The tittle as Drinking ( rice ) wine is to distingue from rice distilled wine apart with grape or other fermented wine . I would assumed that the poet would implied that he drink rice wine ( rượu đế in Vietnamese ) as well I would imagine me drink rượu đế with my father. 

Quiting during COVID-19

 Started to making quilt about mid October last 2020. And I have been making quilt non-stop since then. 

Very pleased with my studio/making quilt and of course my COVID hair style. 

New Quilts

 Since COVID-19 started on March, we work from home. I thought that I could have more time to work on my art projects beside working from home. I was wrong. So stressful to create anything that make sense. I spent the next five months to sew masks and contribute to others. I did not count but roughtly 400 masks made and gave away to family, friends and others.

I did none of drawings or paintings for a long six months. In the last five years, I had a series called Trafic Jams and Vietnamese Coffee when I painted/collage traffic james scene in Vietnam where every body on the street on motobikes honking and all wear masks. Now it become the reality globally. Could you believe that ? I stop painting/drawing that. So depressed ! 

However, finally I started to quit again after first week of October. Trying expereience with triangle and half- square after seeing virtual BAM show of Rosie Lee Tompkins on YouTube. The show is stuning.  

Show some pictures of what I did in 2020 during this one of the kind pandemic. 

The jacket was done like....two years ago but this is first time I posted publically. 

Will shared jacket project later. Have been sewing jackets the last two three years now as my resolution of not buying new clothes. 

This time just to show off the yellow wall. I did not paint for such a long time. I must paint something. And the yellow acrylic was the one I have left at that moment. 

Here is the quilt that done after watching the show, on the old blanket that my friend gave to me while back. The blanket is thick. I did the design for both sides. That so I can quilt both quilts at the same time. ( and have two quilts. Hahha). The final quilt is supper heavy. The blanket is so thick I could not hang up the the wall with pusk pin to take a better picture like other quilts.

Very happy with the outcome. I machine sew supper fast this time. I got a new heavy duty machine that can get throught thick layers of fafric without breaking my needle. 

I started a second one instandly after finishing the first one. I worked full time 8 hrs and continue to work on quilting until 11 pm for one week to finish this one , both sides , red and yellow theme. used a lot of Vietnames silk fabric that traditionally used for bride/tet holiday outfit. Go back to one of my theme red and yellow felt sastificed and filled. 

My husband said look like a wedding quilt. 

Another one with both sides with green and blue/white domimant . This one bleached out a little bit red into white portion after washed but insignificantly noticed if I did not say anything thing. well, now I already say it. Hahah. However I still got a little mad because of that. Not sure the red is from thread or fabric. I thought all my fabric already washed/used. I will have to wash several times for the bleach go away. But that is ok. I am very happy when done. After finished sewing, washing the blaket give the fresh and cozy feel. Love it !

                                               

Three of the quilts above are square/more or less 5 by 5 feet.

This one is on the progress. Finished one side during Thanks Giving 4 days long weekend. I worked straigth up to 10 hrs per day for 3 and 1/2 days. Very happy just spending time cutting fabric/sewing/a lot of ironing/arranging them together and then cutting again. Watching a lot of Netflix/listening to meditation music/auto books while doing this. Life is perfect ! 

The next Monday  after Thanks Giving, I was so tired and not ready to back to work. I had to set up alarm two times  aparthahahha/finally woke myself up with eukaliptic oil over my head. 

But look at the quilt. Worth my effort. I am so happy to get back doing art. This one is 5 by 6 feet. All with sewing machine. Love it. 

This is another quilt I worked during COVID-19. This made of my children JP10 years ago/all recycling material from their clothes. When they grew out of the blanket and our dog, Happy, dog inherited the quilt. He chewed the quilt when he alone  like crazy. Often time, I have to mend the holes for him until it went so bad this year. It had so many holes/all the coners chewed off made the quilt shaped like the battle field . Hahaha.  I was about to throw it away but my husband wanted to reserve the quilt/too sentimental for him to throw away I guess. I have to shrink the quilt back into a picnic side to fix it. 

This is so thick I could not use the sewing machine ended up fixed the quilt by hand every night for a week. Now become my husband's favorite. Hahahah. Happy would have a better and newer quilt.

Toys/inspired from The Little Prince Fox. I did a lot of them three years ago. COVID-19 was  stressful to deal with /Soft toy helps. So I sew several more. Give several to friends.

The series done with ink on collage paper on canvas/tittle Land Dragon. Continuing of 300 book series I made back in 2011/2012. I guess. The big canvas on top ( 72 by72 in) was huge and ambious project that took me two years to finish. I could not finish until one night I dreamt of my mother. She stepped into my studio, which was very dark. I was sitting down and inking this painting. She looked at me and said sternly," finished it." I made effort to finish in the next two weeks and the gallery called me for the show. Hahhaha. I did not apply/submmit artworks for that show. They just called.

 The meaning of this was posted in another "more professional blog." this one for me to quickly jotted down things that need to remember for this year. 

Begining of 2020 I was invited to join a group show at Exchange gallery. I did not go to see the show for the openning because I was out of town. Back home COVID-19 lockdown, gallery shut down as well. They send me this picture instead. 

This is a crazy year. I managed to do the best I can with art. Cherish very moment of this. Embrace the bad as well as the good of 2020. 

One more month to go.