Lún Ghẻ

8/23/24

Ba mươi lăm năm (I)

Tưởng tình đã cũ.

Mây trôi bao năm tưởng tình đã quên.

Mà thiệt không cũ cũng không quên.

Mọi sứ vẫn mới tinh nguyên như ngày xưa nha.

Năm ngoái các bạn trung học năm xưa rủ reunion (lại reunion).

Ta nói. Năm nay được mùa reunion.

Lần này là lần đầu tiên mình đi họp lớp Lê Quý Đôn. Không hiểu mần sao , bà con chọn ngày thiệt tốt mà làm reunion. Trùng ngày reunion với bên đai hoc sư phạm. Phải gần gần mình chạy sô nha. Cái này bên DHSP làm bên Việt Nam. Vậy mần sao mà chạy sô. Thôi, thêm một lần nữa lỗi hẹn bên SP. Tự an ủi. Dù gì mình có tốt nghiệp LQD đàng hoàng chứ không nghỉ ngang hông như bên SP. Mà nhân gian cũng an bình khi mình không đi dạy học hahhaha.

Nên mình ưu tiên mình đi reunion LQD trước nha.

LQD hải ngoại truyền thống làm reunion được một thập kỷ. Ta nói. Bữa nay quyết định đi tại có vài bạn học cùng trong lớp đã đi lần trước kêu vui lắm. Mình và hai cô bạn A4 đăng ký.

Buổi hop mặt được tổ chức tại Santa Ana, thủ phủ của người Viêt Nam hải ngoại ăn chơi nguyên ngày thứ bảy.

Tối thứ sáu ba nàng A4 xuống tới Cali, hẹn nhau phải áo dài sáng hôm sau ra cái công viên tên Một Dặm Vuông gặp nhau.

Kêu làm ngày thứ bảy chứ chiều thứ sáu pà con LQD đã E Bi èn Bi khai mạc ì xèo và nhá hình clips lên FB rồi. Chu cha ơi. Càng coi càng run. Chời chời chời. Sao mình không nhận ra ai quen hết vậy chời.

Nhưng. Cứ. Trước lạ sau quen. Cứ bận áo dài. Con xanh con trắng. Mà tung tăng đi ra park.

Ra park cũng không thấy ai. Anh Uber kêu là đúng chổ này rồi. Mình kêu. Cứ ngồi trong xe. Ló đầu ra chờ thấy áo dài xong mới dám xuống. Không có ai quen. Áo dài cà phơ cà phất thất thểu. Bơ vơ lạc lõng. Nhục à.

Xong đúng là thấy một áo dài hoa lon ton đi bộ. Xanh trắng bên đây mừng quá. Nhảy xuống. Nhào tới. LQD phải không. Áo dài hoa kia thỏ thẻ gật đầu. Vậy là xanh và trắng bên đây thở phào một cái.

Mà lều trại ở đâu. Sao e thẹn có ba đứa mình ên. Vẫn còn chưa dứt ra được anh Uber.

Anh kêu. Vậy được chưa. Cho tui đi ăn phở. Khoan. Làm ơn đi kiếm dùm thêm LQD. Coi tụi nó ở đâu.

Cái ba nàng xúm lại làm quen. Tên và lớp. Nàng áo dài hoa trấn an áo trắng và xanh. Không sao. Tên xong lớp xong chút tui cũng không nhớ. Miễn LQD là được. Không LQD mà dính dáng LQD cũng ok luôn.

Anh Uber thám thính xong ảnh quay lại. Leo qua cái đồi này là LQD. Hahaah.

Mình kêu. Đâu. Tội nghiệp Uber ghê. Lại làu bàu. Ok let go.

Ba nàng áo dài tung tăng leo đồi. Thấy vài áo dài trắng và một bác phó nhòm.

Hahhaa Từ từ tiến tới. Ối chao là mừng. Bác phó nhòm là H. Trai A4 đằng mình. Hahahah . Vậy là tự nhiên hết sợ hết run và hết nhục. Hahah Vậy là mình đã về nhà rồi.

Uber thở ra. Vậy đươc chưa. Tui đi ăn phở. Hahaha được rồi . Trước khi ăn phở mua dùm ly cafe. Hahha Uber hỏi có ai uống nữa không. Uber kêu. Thôi mua hai ly cho nha.

H. giới thiệu chị hiệu trưởng. T. Chị mặc nguyên bộ áo dài đồng phuc màu trắng, tóc thắt bím. Mắt kính học trò. Tay cắp cặp đen. Y chang ngày xưa. Chị mở cặp ra. Bên trong có chữ lưu bút ngày xanh, nét chữ học trò kế bên một bông hoa phượng ép khô.

Mình hỏi chị học khóa trên tụi em hả. Chi hiệu trưởng cười giải thích. Chi không học LQD nhưng đi theo đám LQD này từ hồi lớp một. Chị đi reunion này bẩy lần rồi. Chị mê áo dài lắm. Ngày xưa đâu có được mặc áo dài như bây giờ. Lần sao các em cứ một cái áo dài trắng và tím là LQD reunion được rồi.

Bây giờ áo dài trai gái quần xanh áo trắng đã nhiều lên thì mình đã thật sự thoải mái và tự nhiên y chang hí hí hố hố như ngày xưa.

Tiếng cười ha ha hi hi đã vang lừng cái park rồi. Thì là lúc hai bác phó nhòm bận rộn. Bác nào cũng hai ba máy cái lense dài đeo oằng cả người H. Hên chi cái park này tên là một dặm. Không sai. Cái lense cũng dài cỡ đó.

Chi hiệu trưởng kêu các em gái LQD mỗi người hai ba tấm một mình nha. Xuống kế bờ hồ hay qua bên cái cầu hay trèo lên đồi. Nha.

H. nói. Lùn thấp cỡ nào mình chụp cho cao lên hết nha. Mà thiệt. Gái lùn và gái cao của A4 chụp làm sao mà gái lùn lại cao hơn gái cao mới ghê.

Ngày xưa khóa mình tốt nghiệp xong rồi nhà nước mới cho nữ sinh bận áo dài. Mình cứ nhìn các em bận áo dài đi học, tiếc ngẫn ngơ. Bữa nay dòm bạn bè mình hàng năm hết rồi, vui tươi xinh xắn trong chiếc áo dài Việt Nam.

Xúc động lắm.

Riêng một góc trời là đây. Mình tạo lại cho nhau không khí học trò. Quay về dĩ vãng. Sến cỡ nào cũng đáng yêu. Màu mè cỡ nào cũng trinh nguyên một vùng trời LQD ngày đó. Thích thì tự chơi tự sướng nhỉ.

Hai anh phó nhòm H và Đ thiệt là dễ thương. Leo lên đồi rồi xuống hồ rồi qua cầu bắt vịt rượt sóc. Cầm dù đứng rồi cầm dù ngồi. Áo dài bay qua áo dài bay lại gốc cây dừa hay chuối chi chi cũng chiều hết mình. Ngồi chụp tập thể hàng trên hàng dưới sau cho thiệt đều nha.

Các bạn lớp A nhiều, lớp P và N sáng đó vài người. Nhỏ bạn A4 bữa nay phát hiện ra còn lớp E Rờ nữa mới ghê. Mình hỏi E Rờ là chi. Nàng kêu là Rusian hahahah.

Tới gần trưa trưa thì hiệu trưởng kêu tụ lại chơi U. Hahaha lâu lắm gòi có chơi trò này đâu ta. Chia ra hai phe mỗi bên sáu mạng ba trai ba gái. Gái áo dài phải cột tà áo dài diễn sao cho đúng sự tích ngày xưa. Diễn thì đúng là cái bụng mỡ nhiều quá. Hahahah lần sau cho mình diễn lại khúc này lúc chụp hình phải hóp bụng lại chút nha.

Mình già mà cười nhiều quá u không có hơi bị bắt mà còn bi mắng vốn là mê trai già nữa chứ hahhaha. Cười lăn lộn vụ bắt người. Ôm nhau cho sướng chứ bắt cái chi nữa mà bắt. Hahah.

Xong cái vụ chơi U là vụ thổi bong bóng thay đồ phục áo thun màu xanh Navy đậm. Mình nhìn cái design là mình mê rồi.

Hiệu trưởng giải thích bận màu xanh cho không thấy mập. Hahaha. Sweet.

Lúc này anh Uber đã lái xe đi kiếm phở. Gái A4 kêu anh đang ở đâu quay lại cho lấy cái quần jean trên xe. Hahhaha Uber lại quay lại. OK. Quay xe lại cho gái A4 thay áo dài ra bận đồng phục. Mạnh ai nấy lo. Che chắn sau hay trước gốc cây mần sao thì mần. Cái cây đó không trốc rễ mà bay mịa nó lên trời cũng là đại hoan hỉ rồi nhỉ.

Vụ thổi bong bóng mình chơi mà vụ đạp là không tham gia nha. Lần trước đạp làm sao mà xém gẫy giò. Hhhaha già rồi bị sida là không xông pha đi hiến máu nhé.

Ngồi với mấy bạn khác tám chuyện ngày xưa và bi giờ. Hơn ba chục năm biết bao nhiêu thứ nè.

Ngồi tám qua tám lại lòi ra mấy vụ ni.

Một bạn hỏi gái A4 tên gì. À tên này vậy có biết Đ A6 không. Chời chời. Anh ni thì thân với A4 lắm đó. Gái A6 mét tiếp. Đ này mê một cô A4. Nhờ mình đi mua một chai xà bông có khuyến mãi cây lược làm quà tặng hahaha. Gái A4 chỉ lấy xà bông chứ không nhận lược. Vì nhận lược là chia tay mãi mãi nên không ngu. Chắc để sau này còn được tặng xà bông tiếp . Hahhaa tới đó là mình hả họng cười rồi nên quên mất hỏi phỏng vấn là giờ lược đó ở đâu. Lược thường hay lược chải chí hahaha.

Xong cái qua gái chuyên văn. Hỏi qua hỏi lại gái này sau này học trường mỹ thuật ở Phan Đăng Lưu. Cô giáo dạy vẽ của gái này là học trò cũ Má mình. Dòm qua dòm lại toàn người quen người nhà. Gái này chia sẻ là gái ăn chay. Mình dần lân hỏi ăn chay có ăn thịt người không. Gái A4 thấy mình ăn nói mất dạy quá nó bóp cổ mình kêu shut up. Con này chuyên trị kêu mình shut up mặc dầu mình chưa nói nó chặn họng mình trước. Làm vậy mà lê lết với mình cũng gần 40 năm. Hahaha .

Gái ăn chay không vừa. Thỏ thẻ. Mình không ăn thịt heo gà nhưng thịt người thì có. Hahaha Trai A2 ngồi phía sau tranh thủ liền. Thịt của mình nè. Ăn dùm mình bonus cho một trái ớt hiểm hahahahha.

Phần một xin lắng đọng tại đây. Sức người có hạn. Chuyện còn rất là dài.

Dưỡng thương vài ngày sẽ tiếp phần hai buổi trưa và phần ba tại nhà hàng Ngọc Sương nha.

Ta nói:

Lúc đi chưa biết thì run

Biết rồi thì quậy nổ tung mái nhà

Lê Quí Đôn là của chúng ta

Yêu nhau mãi mãi tuổi già sang xuân.

7/10/24

Breath

I have been doing breathing meditation since the summer of 2014.

This entry marked 10 years of doing breathing meditation. It is quite a journey to re-centered/to move inward, to heal my past trauma, to live in peace, and to gain meaning in life.

Why did I start it?

2014 was an extremely stressful year for me.

I tried to finish the MSW program by working at a practicum site to gain all the required hours. I started a part-time Vietnamese case manager job two blocks from home. I worked at Pike Market Dropping Center during the weekend. My anxiety was high. I already had insomnia and migraine that started a long time ago. On top of that, I was in deep depression grieving my mother who passed away in 2011. I found myself crying here and there without any reason.

My plate was overwhelmingly full. Forget about taking care of my children. Forget about about cooking food for the family. I felt exhausted constantly but could not sleep well because of thinking of all the papers I had to turn in on time.

All the jobs at that time were social work-related, eventually contributing to this current job so I kept myself going. I almost quit the MSW program but Nguyen, my husband encouraged me to go on. Tirelessly and patiently, he took care of the children and dragged me up to the finish line one day at a time.

Without him, I could not make it.

One day I felt a sharp pain deep inside my chest. The pain grew heavier, more intense enough to get my attention. I went to see the family Dr to check it out.

I hate to go to Dr . I hate all the wait. I rarely go to see my PCP. But the idea of having the stroke had overcome the hate.

I remember the laid-back Dr who wore a colorful Hawaii shirt, examined me for a while, and said,

"I do not see anything wrong with you physically".

"Are you stressed?" I nodded. "Maybe... I think so". I admitted.

"Please go home and do the breathing. You know, take it easy and breathe. No medicine is needed for now."

I was happy getting out of the doctor's office. I felt proud that I managed to see him. I appreciated that he did not prescribe medication. He gave me the most precious piece of advice that a good Dr could give to a patient: breathing.

Breathing without doing anything was hard

My first attempt to sit and breathe happened on a weekend morning. I sat down on the carpet inside my bedroom and asked Banh Xeo, my 13-year-old daughter to sit with me. I told her to do 100 breathing in and out with me.

She said yes. I closed my eyes and started breathing. In the middle of it, I felt that she silently sneaking away from the room. I continued to do it alone not remembering how many counts I had done.

I did not understand the implication behind the breathing meditation but my gut told me that breathing meditation would be good for me.

This was fatally hard. I thought I rather die than do this. Again, the fear of having a stroke overcomes the fear of death.

I was extremely busy. Suddenly I had to stop everything, sit down, and breathe. Breathing alone did not make sense to me. Slow down was the no-no. However, the chest pain was scary. I did not want to have a stroke that may result in half alive half dead.

As an artist, I could never sit still. If I did not have back-to-back projects lined up, I would experience anxiety. If I need to relax, I have to do something such as art and sewing activities. These hands-on activities calm me down not sitting meditation.

There is an expression "Fake it until you make it".

I blindly sat and kept counting in and out breathing when I had time.

Slowly I started to get a hand out of sit meditation. I could sit still for 10 then 20 then 30 minutes of breathing in and out at least a few days per week.

My mind was much calmer. The thoughts inside my head were less monkey chit-chat. It is clearer with clarity. The anxiety was reducing along with each breath. I feel more peaceful inside as I am more centered and much more pleased with myself. As a result, I could behave much better with others.

Anger was still an important feeling but much less furious. I found it easier to channel anger into something more productive, such as laughing and art-making.

My sleep is getting better and deeper. Dreams come more often with deep sleep. I remember more meaningful dreams over time.

I started to read books that related to breathing meditation. I found Thich Nhat Hanh's books and was informed that breathing meditation could help with childhood trauma.

During COVID, things at work and home were equally stressful and unbearable as both college-aged children were home. The small apartment was so crowded with four adults. Breathing meditation became a must to avoid family conflict.

I told myself that I would do breathing at least 2 times per day. I tricked my mind so I could do at least every day which was helpful.

Breathwork

That was late February 2023. A night before I went to visit my daughter in Hawaii, I watched a podcast from CEO Diary while the host interviewed someone regarding self-care.

Both mentioned, “ breathwork.”

Curiously, I clicked "breathwork” and found so many clips.

I tried. The sensation of practicing breathwork was amazing. My heart and my mind opened up to something pure and fresh. I remember feeling emotional and crying. My heart suddenly connected to the endless universe at that moment. Space and time disappeared at once. It happened in a very short period but I could remember clearly.

When I was in Hawaii, I introduced breakwork to my daughter.

Back in 2014, she sneaked away from mediation but this time she joined me wholeheartedly. She did breathwork with me for the next 10 days I was with her. She reported a good result as her mind was more relaxed and her body was less tense.

Breathwork made sense to her.

Since March 2023 up to date, I have been doing breathwork daily at least 1 or 2 times and gradually can prolong up to 1:30 hrs without difficulty.

Breathwork is great because I can treat it as physical exercise. There are a variety of ways how to breathe. Besides, interesting music and beats are added that make breathing practice more tolerable.

The most important thing was breathwork offer is holding a breath. It was hard at first but the more I did the longer time I could hold my breath.

Up to 2 minutes is a typical practice from every clip on YouTube.

I was surprised by what my body could do. I always tell people that if we do not breathe in three minutes we will die.

Hahaha, I take it back.

Holding my breath helps me to concentrate in the most relaxing condition. I would feel my muscles tense on my jaw, mouth, shoulder /fingers/toes, or especially muscles inside my abdomen and release all tension. I become more subtle to pay attention to the pain in each body part and release it.

The 4-minute hold is achieved mostly when I am in bed or after at least one hour of breathing or staying absolutely still ( which is very hard).

Teachers:

Breathing with Sandy is my favorite channel because of his voice/ different styles with different lengths of time practice.

Besides Sandy clips, I also use Take a Deep Breath with much less cue instruction and less music background. I use it at night while lying down on the bed and wide myself down to sleep.

Another one is Hands-on meditation channel offers a 4-minute hold at the end of one clip. Sometimes I could do it if I concentrate and stay focused enough.

Yesterday YouTube added another good one called Breathwork Beats to my attention. These clips are much longer than the other two. Uniquely adding beats and different music backgrounds specialized in fire breath and alkaline which I like very much.

I found a book called Breath by James Nestor to learn more about breathing. The book informed slow down breathing could allow our body time to process air and get oxygen vital for life.

On the other hand, Wim Hoff is an internationally famous teacher for introducing a simple version of Breath of Fire to people. His personal story is inspirational. Breath of fire is the style of breathing rapidly opposite of slow breathing but offers the same benefits to breathing practitioners.

Aloha is a Hawaiian way for people to say hi to each other. Ha is breath is Hawaii language.

Aloha is sharing a breath!

Breath is living. Breathing is the meaning of life. Breathing without stress. Breathing my fear of having a stroke away. Breathing my anxiety, migraine, and insomnia away. Breathing with confidence. Breathing with grace. Breathing with peace. Breathing with clarity. Breathing with joy. Breathing to connect inward so we can connect outward. Breathing with self so we won't feel alone with others.

How simple. It took me a long decade to understand.