Last year I managed to write things that I needed to disclose after 40 years or so. I thought I'd healed after I poured my heart out here.
But after one task done, another one emerged.
" How can I tell my sister and brother?" It was much harder than facing it myself. My anxiety went up again before the trip back home.
I went home in Oct, 2024. Mostly I stayed with my sister and her
family. My mother’s house and now her house just got remodeled.
The three-story house had completed re-model after 20 years.
Everything was grand new and clean. The house was painted white and up today fashioned.
I was happy for my sister. I enjoyed the new house and little front garden.
Her husband used my
mother's cement table, turned upside down to build up a small lotus pond for my
sister as her request. He had few guppies there for her as well.
The small lotus pond was beautiful, sparkling joyfully especially when the sun ray came down to greet the fish. The reflection of the sun moved the water when the fish danced around. There was always one strong stem straight up reaching to the sky with one blooming pinkish petals. I was told that flower was bloomed when it touched the sun ray. There was another stem already fruitfully bear lotus seeds. My sister asked I want to eat the seeds. I said, “ Let it be”.
It was majestic to see the tiny lotus pond under the sun and bathing in the October tropical rain. It is strong, fresh and beautiful at the same time .
After my bother-in-law was back from his night shift, he would come to sit next to the pond on his plastic red stool. He would look at the lotus flowers with small colorful guppies playfully swim around and smoke his cigarette.
Whenever I am back home, I would stay up on the small room up to the third floor, where we have my mother’s altar with her picture. My sister displayed some of my mother's paintings, stored our family albums and all my 20 diaries and notebooks. I'd love to sleep and do meditation in the room even my sister told me that room was too hot during noon time. I just did not mind the heat. I had one small fan and that would be enough for me to stay through the hot afternoon.
In the morning, I stayed in place that holding our family's past and fond memory, looked down to my sister’s garden to witness the serenity of the lotus
blooming through the generous sun of Saigon.
I would gaze my eye to look up at the morning sun that warm up the entire neighborhood. Students in school uniform went to school in groups. The venders on the bike pedaled door by door to sell rice cakes wrapped in banana leaf. My sister would drop of her kid and came with breakfast for me and her. Sometimes a Vietnamese sandwich sometime a bowl of broken rice covered with eggs. We would drink home- made coffee together. Me and my -brother -in-law drink strong and thick coffee while my sister must dilute her coffee into big cup of water. We would make fun of her drinking style. We would laugh out loud.
I embrace every single moment I had with my family. That was bliss. Eventually our family made it. After
the big storm, there was quietness. Then peace gently come along with a small skinny house and few
guppies, two cats and two dogs. Both sister and brother each had two beautiful and talented teenagers. The fact my brother-in-law smokes cigarette did not bother
me a bit like before. Smoking cigarette is peaceful relaxation tool, right? Our small house was full of peace and laugh. That I shall call happiness.
The lotus grows straight up from the mud. Like three of us. We
came from a very rough, tough, muddy and dark place. We still do not know how we reach
out to touch the sun to survive.
A colorful painting that showcased my mother and three of us that still displayed at the house.
My mother's self portrait.
Some how, we did.
I will continue to tell the stories of myself and my sister. I
need to get it out so some day I can stop crying.
Healing will take time, may be until my last breath.
I realized that while working toward healing, I just have to enjoy each moment I am alive.
Like the lotus that touches the sun ray everyday to bloom.
P/s: I saved this note for today . This is my brother's birthday. I texted him if he has a cake. And I wished him to continue to run as he has been running marathon for 2 years now. My heart is warm thinking about him and then my sister. We did it. We survived. We are living thriving to reach a sun ray all together as my mother's wish.
Happy birthday, my dear brother.
