No internet

 I was on the Grief summit training today 07/31/2025.   The lectures were beautifully moved and meaningfully presented. While listening to afternoon session, in the middle of it, the internet went down, cutting me off from the training. 

Just like that. 

No warning. No word. 

Just like that. The zoom screen  was freeze. I got kicked out. Brutally silent.

There was the loud boom right before the internet got shut down. I guessed may be the construction site next door that caused it. Or, Jet blue angel practiced for the Sea Fair this weekend flew over Seattle sky today. Maybe that was the cause. I would never know. People would never tell why. Too much accountability. Too much trouble. 

Whatever happened, the fact that I did not have the internet.  Even deep down I know that I have a chance to view the replay later. Without internet, suddenly,  I felt empty and meaningless. I did not know what to do at that moment.

 I feel useless. I got into a " gentle"  panic mode.  Like, " I should do the training today. I should had be productive. ". And now I am not.  I feel disappointed.  I felt guilty. I felt isolated being cut off from the world. 

I tried for 30 minutes to get the internet back on without success.

The screen from my laptop said, “ while you wait for the internet connection, you can play games”. Hahaha The computer programed to invite me to play game because they already know that I would be bored without the internet.

My husband suggested a hotspot that hooks my laptop to the internet via the cell phone so I could continue the training. It did not work with the zoom video. It was too slow.

After few attempts of mindlessly turned on and off the laptop,  I gave up trying because I got exhausted.

These few minutes I had nothing to do was terrifying.

My son said, “ that is ok if the internet down. You can stop and go to the park, “ He joked.

“I remember you said the same thing to me before when I played video game. This is payback time mom”. 

"Hahaha", I laughed with him.

I paused. I felt chilled. We all know that that would be ok not to have the internet for a while.

We are so getting used to the internet, like addiction . All of my work involves having internet. All of my activities out of work involved around internet as well. 

Yoga / meditation / buying things/paying rent / shopping for food / getting application done/ submitting things/ mapping/ getting junk news are just the few.

Without internet, I am useless and disable, seems one part of me is cutting off.

Something is profoundly wrong here.

Today we talk about grief/death/dying and forgiveness. The themes that I have been interested in and get training for few years up to now.

I am doing quilt series that related all of these themes. 

Death, grief and forgiveness.

The quilt project is focused on my grieving my father who died 30 years ago. I did not have any chance to actual grieve him. When he passed away, I mourned but not grieving. I had so many unfinished feelings and unpacked trauma back then, my heart was not ready and available to do the grief work.

The presenters talked a lot about: 

How to pause , take time out, take time off to feel internally while we are doing grief work. No feel/ No heal. 

Maybe. 

Being cut off from internet actually is not bad. It gave me time to move inward, reflecting what I just heard from others.

Too bad that I got cut off right in the middle of the beautiful lecture. Also too bad to feel unfinished.

But it was too good to be true that I could stop myself for a little bit.

 Just pause for a little bit to refresh is blissful.